[...]Getting into My Body « Margaret Cho[...]…

Getting into My Body « Margaret Cho…

I’m a first generation Korean-American who grew up in New York surrounded by skinny white girls, unforgiving relatives from the mother land (telling me to get thinner — but at the same time telling me I should eat everything they cook otherwise I was rude), and relentless bullies who teased me for being one of the only minorities in town.

I remember, when I was 16 — at 5’3” and 112 lbs (I ran 5 miles a day, exercised until I couldn’t move and never ate) — one of my cousins told me I would be ‘perfect’ if I just lost another 10 lbs. I have been chasing those 10 lbs ever since.

But, three years ago, I fell off the skinny wagon and have maintained a weight at 150.

Today, I am a very healthy vegan, I drink a gallon of water a day, I exercise 6 times a week, but I’m still 150 lbs…and I hate myself. To boot, I have a lover who finds me sexy all day everyday…and I hate myself. I’m muscular, I have big tits and a black woman’s ass, which I should be so proud of…but I hate myself. Not only was I never able to eliminate those last ten pounds at 16, but I’ve driven myself further away from them and I constantly feel incompetent, undisciplined, weak and gross.

I hate magazines and gossip television shows because they make it appear as though it is SO easy and if I could just get my act together I’d be better looking and wonderful. If Renee Zellweger can just go up and down whenever she wants, I am obviously a loser.

What’s worse is that I used to be really outgoing (when I was skinny) and for the past three years I have seen myself slowly becoming a hermit. I refuse to go out and show myself unless I absolutely have to; I don’t want people to see me until I am the 100 lb girl I am supposed to be. I will be turning 26 in 18 days and I don’t want to be this person anymore. I’ve already wasted the last decade doing this and if I keep it up, I will lose my entire 20s, then my 30s and 40s to this self-hatred.

On the bright side, reading your words and watching your shows sparks something in me. I too have shat myself whilst on a diet…but the sad thing is is that I am still dieting. I want to purge myself of this ridiculousness, and I am with you on that. More power to you, lady diva. I’ve never shared this with anyone other than my partner…but the last few days I’ve been reading your blog and watching some of your interviews…I can feel the strong sensible woman deep down in me praising da Lord you have woken her from her sleep.

I am a feminist, an honors student getting a PhD on an international tip, studying all the world’s woes and inequalities, and an activist for rights. Why I am still hung up on this shiz is beyond me, but it does stick with you. I need to let it go.

Another great point you make is how hard it is to kick the habit, when it’s always shoved in your face, whether you want it or not. Food is kiiiind of necessary to live… and I don’t recall if this was in this, or another blog entry of yours, but you mentioned how you are learning to appreciate your body as an “older” woman, and how you didn’t when you were younger… well I’m only 19, on 20 soon… and it’s shameful knowing I should be more appreciative, as I’m really moving into more of an adult, with a career just weeks away… it’s like I’m really losing out on so many of life’s experiences, you know? There are countless things I’d love to do, some as simple as just dancing at a club.

I hope I didn’t just rant all over you haha, let’s just say I admire your views, and how much you still manage to accomplish, despite any hindrances from stupid-ass food and such. And for the record, you look fabulous!

I want to suggest that you try yoga and meditation to get into your body, and to erase the false mind/body dichotomy. This has been the most useful practice for me, and I can relate to what you’re writing about. There are lots of yoga traditions that could work for you, but Anusara combines the physical/mental/spiritual really nicely if you can find a teacher with that tradition; it’s all about being true to yourself and being your best self. (Industrial gym-style power yoga is not going to be very helpful, in contrast!).

I loved seeing you and Louis on DWTS and wish you hadn’t left too soon. Sorry I’m a little behind on this, as we watch taped shows later as we can… We’re not big tv watchers. In fact, it’s the only show we watch. I love the dancing and the sparkle-y clothing, but you brought the REAL to this reality tv show; you really cut through the glib and the veneer and I appreciate your honest being.

Anyway, I wanted to reply to your comments because I had a lot of suffering as an adolescent dealing with body image and eating disorders. The big catalyst for my self-punishing rebellion was when, on top of all the other social messages I was getting, my childhood doctor told me I was overweight. At age 14, I most certainly was not, I now know. I wished I could stop eating altogether, and practically did. When I had to start eating again (or else be committed to a facility) I didn’t know how and felt totally out of control. After 20 years of finding out the best ways to live (with exercise I enjoy!) and to eat, I find that now I can listen to what my body needs, what, how much, and when. What feels good to my whole self during and after eating? Be good to yourself. Nurture yourself. Sometimes I need some dark chocolate (keeps Dementors away, you know), and I honor that, while knowing that it is a sign that I’m in a vulnerable space. What throws off the balance is sugar, and it’s hard to regain that balance because it really is addictive, so I try to stay away from it completely. I still make exceptions sometimes.

How you feel about yourself, all that fear and lack of control, is completely unconnected to what you look like or how much you weigh. Celebrate yourself and have clothes that make you feel great and sexy. Having a mirror sounds like a great idea; get rid of any scales. Weight is also unconnected to anything. I have gotten in touch with my body to be able to tell if my body feels strong, energetic, muscular–or not. When I weigh less than normal I actually have less muscle mass and strength… I only get on a scale if I go to the doctor…

All that said, I keep finding that just when I think I have dealt with all my insecurities and left them far behind, I find they are still there with me, always along for the ride. It’s not a linear journey, we’ll always come back to these things in a cycle, but everytime with better resources to address them, our circular selves becoming fuller and fuller with our life experience.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Whenever I begin to feel unhappy with myself I try to focus more energy on bellydance. It always helps me to feel beautifu.l No matter how much I started out feeling like a bloated Jaba the Hutt lardass. Also, I tend to trim down a bit from all the focus on dancing. So then I end up feeling even better! You can always depend on your dance sisters/brothers for support!

The very same consciousness that is useful in being a feminist or being queer-positive or being anti-racism, etc., that’s necessary if you want to be at home and happy in your embodiment.

And really…where else are you going to go?

I hope you’ll check out fat pride community. Online, it’s called the fatosphere. I wrote a book called FAT!SO? (It makes great bathroom reading because the chapters are small, they’re interrupted by quotes and fun stuff, and there’s a flipbook animation in the corner where a fat chick throws off her schmata and dances in her minidress.) I also hope you’ll check out the Health At Every Size paradigm, especially Linda Bacon, PhD’s book of the same name. (Really, the stuff we’re told about health is largely about hate. Real health feels good and supports human rights rather than trashing social justice.)

Fat people like me know something about shedding internalized oppression, about reclaiming a happy, uncomplicated and enjoyable eating/exercise life, and about messing with The Man. I’d love to help. I’d love your help in making some all-asses revolution!

Food is the hardest thing— cuz you’re right. you can’t give it up. I struggle with that, too. I’m in a gym with semi-pro athletes and they LOVE LOVE LOVE to eat and talk about eating and where to eat and how they eat it (fried or smothered in cheese). They LOVE and are in love with food. The only thing is, they are all in stellar shape because their life is working out. But it makes eating soooo good because they literally work out to eat.