Queer Eye for the Straight, Why?
This show harkens back to the time honored tradition of ‘fixing a straight man’. I mean really, when have you been able to take a heterosexual male right off the rack, prêt a porter? Straight women have long relied on their gay male consorts for their expertise in the transformative arts, from elocution to chambray, we leave little to chance, in turning my Slim Shady into My Fair Lady. My friends, accomplices all, remember the pair of dog shit scented Converse High Tops snatched away in the night from the new boyfriend who would not throw them out himself, thankfully buried in the desert.the shoe heist would not have been completed if it had not been for outside assistance. The gorgeous musician, who insisted on the use of Irish Spring (that soap that you whittle) on his café au lait combination skin face, coaxed into a skincare regimen, with hetero friendly products by Kiehl’s. The wire hangers, hanging saggy, sorrowful shirts from Mervyn’s, tossed out mercilessly, dry cleaner bags and all. We have seen the land of men, and watched them sleep in 50/50 polyester-cotton blend sheets, and we have saved them from static electricity. There has long been a silent complicity between straight and gay men, facilitated by the girlfriend of both, that the gay man knows more, looks better, acts hotter than the straight man. The straight man will forgo any internalized homophobia and prejudice for the tutoring in all matters extracurricular, in order to impress, tantalize and obey the heterosexual female. It’s a parlor game that everybody wins. The homosexual male delights in sharing and showing off his talents, the heterosexual male gets some of the specialized sparkle of the socially oppressed, the girlfriend gets a presentable boyfriend, and they all hang out together in peace and harmony. It is like an Amish barnraising.
I like QUEER EYE, a lot actually. I would hang out with the Food and Wine guy almost every day, and I am sure that Carter (Style) and I have had words, but we are civil to each other when in public, and Culture and I are playing a wicked game of phone tag which has lasted for about 4 months. I did Special K a long time ago with Hair, but of course he doesn’t remember, and I never met Interiors, but I know his boyfriend enough to say ‘hi’. What makes me say “Why?” is the idea that gay men, in order to be accepted by mainstream society, have to be really ‘good’ at something. The expertise that is bestowed upon them, a kind of superhero grace, is a suffocated love, created by a need to fit in, and the point of entry into a world that would have them only if they were put to good use. Have you ever seen a gay man on TV be ‘bad’ at something? Not likely. We’ve not that luxury to fuck up. The “Queer as Folk” gang may misbehave, but they are not only a fiction, they do it with such panache, we common folk could only dream of screwing up so royally, pun intended.
The phenomenon of the show, an exciting portent for the future of gay television, is unquestionable. The gaying of straight male culture has taken hold. My very hetero friend, who has motor oil under his nails and a pack of Winstons folded into the pocket of his Hanes Beefy 100% Cotton T, pats on a bit of Estee Lauder SPF 8 High Definition Concealer in Light while looking in the rear view mirror of his Harley. He has fully realized himself, and become a lesbian.