It has been such a not so great day today. I woke up way too early, after having done a great show the night before in Miami. I came down to the hotel lobby only to be verbally assaulted as soon as the elevator doors opened. As soon as I walked out, two men, presumably still drunk and just getting in from the night before got on the elevator, and one of them said, “BITCH!” I wasn’t doing anything but getting off the elevator so they could get on! Then another girl in our party said she had been accosted in the same manner by the same man in the lobby. That is so stupid! You can’t manage to get into a fight properly at the bar, and you stay out so late that it is then morning, so the only people left to fuck with are business travelers!

We then left for the airport for our 7:45 am flight on American, which was then delayed for 7 hours. We could have all stayed in bed and missed the altercations. Instead we all just missed our connecting flights back to Burbank. I’m now still on the plane to Dallas, hoping I don’t get stranded there on the way to LA, which is more than likely, because my connecting flight leaves before we land. All the delays are due to mechanical problems with their planes, which were supposed to be all better by today, but they are not. I am furious because Sunday is my only day off in the week – which isn’t really a day off but a travel day, and so it is extremely precious to me. It is the one day I have to spend with my family, to walk my dogs, to eat a proper meal sitting down. American Airlines has robbed me of my one day of peace. I am not sure what is going on, but air travel has been really different in the last several months. I am a frequent flyer, and have been for close to 20 years, and I have never seen it as bad as it is now. There are more canceled flights, mechanical issues, hours and hours spent on the runway – it has hit a new low, and no one has a worse track record than American. Because we don’t really have choices when it comes to air travel, passengers are stuck with what they get. It is very bad very very very bad. It is the real bitch, not I.

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I am shocked and disgusted that the Egyptian government has put 5 men in jail for being gay!! That is horrible. I have been to Egypt to study bellydance, and I haven’t seen the homophobia clearly because all the men – gay and straight – walk in the street holding hands! They are all hanging all over each other, swinging arms linked by their pinkies! How could they tell who was gay and who was not? All the men act so physically affectionate with each other. They are way more demonstrative of their same sex love than they are here. It is crazy! I swear to God it looks like Gay Pride, or some kind of early 90s ACT UP protest, but they have it every day! What are they trying to say? Gay romance between straight men is fine, but against the law for actual gays?

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How do you kiss your dogs? I like to kiss my dogs all the time. Every once in a while, they will let me kiss them on the lips, but it is rare. That is fun though because I really love dog lips because they are thin and black and sometimes shiny like they wear lip gloss.

My medium middle girl, Bronwyn, who is very beautiful and has many nicknames, like “briony” – after “Atonement” or just “brown” or “brownie” – after her coloring, which is a light honey, cinnamon brown with white spots like she is dotted with macadamia nuts, usually gets kissed on the cheeks. She has high cheekbones due to her mixed up dog heritage, so she gets kissed on both cheeks, above her whisker line European style. One cheek then the other cheek. She has gotten kissed like this so much she knows to turn her head slightly to receive it.

My big boy, Ralph, whose nickname is “Ralph Rapherton, private eye,” which is not a short nickname, but a fitting one, because he is a lot like a private investigator because he has an office, which is a small dark space under some stairs in my backyard where he can go in and receive visits from mysterious ladies wearing picture hats, usually gets kissed all over the space between his ears, because his fur is very soft there and feels good on the lips.

My littlest, Gudrun, who I have been calling “Gud-rin” because she is a lot like “exce-drin” in that she takes pain away, has a little caramel colored diamond on the top of her head, which is what we call a “kissing diamond.” She gets kissed there.

Although all my dogs have designated kissing areas, I would like to mention they are also kissed ‘freestyle,’ which means they get kissed in a ‘jazz improv’ way all over their entire dog bodies with the exception of the ‘whisker line’ – too sensitive and can bend and damage whiskers – which are very important! They aren’t just cute! They help the dog keep his or her balance.

Where do you kiss your dogs, cats, children, etc?

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Oprah did an important show about the horrible business of puppy mills, which are “dog factories,” where female dogs are caged for their entire lives in order to churn out litter after litter, which are then sold at pet stores. It is an awful and cruel (not to mention disgusting and inhumane) practice. I am glad that Oprah shed some light on this situation, which has been going on for decades without anyone being able to stop it, even though animal rights activists have been protesting the entire time.

Puppy mills are horrible and should be illegal! Purebreds are available all the time at animal shelters, and can be adopted as puppies or older. As an old dog mother of three shelter babies myself, I think it is most rewarding to adopt an older dog, and it is also a lot easier. Puppies are so cute, but can be a tremendous amount of work, and they don’t stay little for that long. Older dogs are great – what you see is what you get! Even if you have your heart set on a purebred puppy, if you do a bit of searching, especially if you go to specific breed rescue groups, you can adopt one without a lot of hassle. I think shelters are the way to go though, because people discard their pets tragically all the time, or they don’t spay or neuter and wind up with litters that nobody wants. Animal shelters are full of squirming puppies who desperately need homes and you never know, your baby could be in there just waiting for you to come pick him or her up!

Please adopt pets from animal shelters or rescue organizations. You will not be sorry!

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I am on the road right now, and was just up in one of my favorite cities, Toronto! The best music in the world comes from there, like one of my very favorite bands, The Cliks, and also the band I would most love to be part of: Broken Social Scene. I have daydreams about moving to Toronto and trying to join the band – like just walking backwards with a rain stick onto their stage. Or maybe even a triangle. I can also do a bit of tambourine. That is a really good way to get into somewhere you don’t belong. Just walk in backwards while doing something with your hands. It really works! Plus, Broken Social Scene is one of those bands with so many people in it, I don’t think anyone would notice one more. Anyway, I got to do a cool Canadian talk show, “The Hour,” and the winsome and adorable host George called Kevin Drew right up on the show and we asked his voice mail if I could come on board! Hoping to get a positive response!

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Here are some photos of me with gorgeous Dave Navarro!!

Even this didn’t make my G-Shot work.

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I had a new procedure called the “G-Shot,” which is kind of like plastic surgery, kind of a body modification – but you don’t see it. It is on the inside. It isn’t something I would necessarily normally do, because I am very happy with my vagina the way it is. It is one of the finest in the world, and really needs little embellishment. It has served me well for many years and there are lots of miles left on it.

I got the G-shot as part of my new VH1 show, “The Cho Show,” which I am filming right now and it is so fucking awesome you are going to just scream when you see it – I am so excited! Anyway, the G-Shot is an injection of collagen into your G-Spot that is supposed to enhance any kind of stimulation there. It is for women who have limited sensation in their vagina, which is me. My puss is more clitoral than vaginal. I am more into the outside than the inside. I am more about display than content. Whenever I go to a party, I tend to hang out on the steps rather than in the house and I never go into the backyard. And to keep the party analogy going, I don’t even have a G-Spot, per say, one place where the party is all centered, but there are lots of smaller events happening all over the area. Mine isn’t a G-Spot. More like a G-Block Party. My pussy is a lot like Coachella. There are a lot of bands hanging around waiting to play.

So I got it done at a fancy Beverly Hills gyno office and it was somewhat uncomfortable. First the G-Spot must be located. The poor doctor had to poke around in there for a long time, and it reminded me of this one guy who was looking for it many years ago, all thumbs in there going “Where’s your spot? Where’s your spot?” It didn’t feel good and I was like, “uh, I usually park on the street.” The doctor came upon an area that felt more sensitive than the other areas (more partying going on there than elsewhere) so she shot up that region with an anesthetic – which was painful!! I needed anesthesia for my anesthesia! It was so prickly and hurting that she had to shoot me up twice with the numbing agent. Then they got the big needle out, which I didn’t feel but looked so scarily long that I thought the end might poke out through my back! OW!!!!

So since then, I haven’t felt any sexual enhancement at all. If anything it makes me not want to do it, which is incredible because I always want to do it – so it doesn’t work as any kind of aphrodisiac, but would be a good punishment for sex offenders. Now my vagina just feels like there is a gel insole in there. Like my cervix is wearing boot socks. I am totally asexual and I feel like I am sitting on a hemorrhoid donut all the time. I really feel kind of bad complaining about the procedure, because the doctor was so nice, and I am all about supporting anything that benefits women and their sexuality. I totally think that the spirit of the thing is cool. Women should feel good in their bodies and if surgery can enhance that, I am all for it. Unfortunately, the G-Shot just wasn’t for me, but it might be for you. There are lots of raves from women about it, and more often than not the results are supposed to be mindblowing, just not for me!

It lasts for four months so I will be at the convent until the swelling goes down.

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I am all about the show TRANSAMERICAN LOVE STORY on Logo. It is a groundbreaking dating show, with the object of everyone’s affections, the incredibly beautiful and talented Calpernia Addams. I met adorable Jim, one of the handsome suitors vying for Calpernia’s affections, at my show this past weekend in Los Angeles, and he told me to get the show from iTunes and I am so glad I did! I love that Logo is doing a dating show centered around a gorgeous transgender woman. I feel that this is not only very interesting for everyone – it is very political. The transgender community has long been ignored by the mainstream queer community – which is unfortunate because they are the ones who receive the most discrimination out in the ‘straight’ world. The violence and homophobia they experience is exponentially worse – the statistics are downright depressing. I think that homophobia is worse than terrorism – because homosexuality does no harm to anyone – yet hatred against it prevails! Homophobia is so awful it makes me heterophobic! And it makes me mad that when I write ‘heterophobia’ it makes my spellcheck go on – because that is not even a word – yet ‘homophobia’ totally is.

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Here are some photos of me and Weird Al after my show in Los Angeles on March 22:

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I am now super into the new tv show “I CAN MAKE YOU THIN.” This dude, Paul Mckenna, is all in your business talking about how he can make you thin – through the television! It is very exciting. I have only seen the first episode, but I am hooked already. There is a studio audience filled with people of various sizes who are also hooked on this Paul Mckenna – who can make you thin if you are within earshot of him! I like his diet ideas because basically, it isn’t about dieting. You eat what you want, when you are hungry. That is it. Sounds too good to be true? It totally is, because you have to eat super slowly, which is very hard. Also you cannot have any distractions from your food. So no watching tv while eating. These two things are very challenging because I love to watch tv and I love to eat fast! I eat so fast sometimes that I will bite my tongue and all over the inside of my mouth! Not only that, I love to watch tv while eating fast. Especially good food shows like Anthony Bourdain’s “NO RESERVATIONS” – even though he has a tendency to eat a lot of organ meats. I think it so awesome to eat food while you are watching food! It is like porn during sex, but way more fun!! So now I am totally trying to eat as slowly as I can, completely savoring every small bite, and what happens is I get so bored of eating because it is taking so long, I get sick of the food. It isn’t even that I get full, I just get over it and I don’t want to sit there with the stupid food anymore. I think this is all a good plan and I am excited about the man who can make you thin through the tv. Now I want to do a spin off show called I CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY where I just smile at you through the tv!! You can be made happy through the television!!!

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Just read an article about myself where I described myself as “chubby” and I think that it is a fairly unacceptable description, and I want to apologize to myself for saying it, because that is just wrong. I am not chubby – and to call myself that is to endanger the lives of millions of young girls who look to the media to define who they are, who are constantly checking themselves for fear of wrecking themselves, who are afraid to be thought of as “chubby,” who don’t realize that they are perfect as they are, and it is irresponsible. I fear they will read this article and look at my body and be scared because it is like theirs, and they will then think of themselves as “chubby” and learn to hate themselves more. To call me “chubby” is to call a billion women “chubby” who shouldn’t think of themselves as anything less than hot and sexy and curvy and built. I am not “chubby.” I am a real live perfectly beautiful woman, and just because I may be larger than the mostly anorexic female population in Hollywood, it doesn’t make me any less desirable or gorgeous because I like food. I take it back, as I must take back all the millions of insults that I hurl at myself without knowing it. I would never, ever say any of the horrible things I say to myself about myself to anyone else, not even someone I hated, because there is no one I could possibly hate that much. We must stop fighting the war against ourselves before we can truly start to love ourselves. We are not “chubby,” we are perfect. We are beautiful. We are so very very beautiful.

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The pope has just released a number of brand new sins! They include drugs, pollution and genetic manipulation. I am not sure how he gets to do this, but if he can, I think everyone should be able to! So here are some new sins from me (not in any particular order…)

Tailgating. Thou shalt not drive too close to other cars. Mortal sin. People can get killed. One time, I was being tailgated so close on the freeway that it felt like the other car was raping my car. I mean it was a vehicular sexual assault. He kept pounding the back of my car until his car just blew up and sprawled across multiple lanes blocking traffic up for miles. Isn’t that just like a man?

Talking too loud in someone’s ear at a club. Thou shalt not try to talk over the booming techno beat, shattering your friend’s eardrums and annoying everyone in the process. You don’t even get heard, you strain your voice, you hurt their ears, no information is that important. Thou shalt wait til thou is outside.

Homophobia – thou shalt not be a homophobe! (this is something the pope cannot get enough of!)

Sexism and racism in the presidential race. Thou shalt not try to use gender or racial stereotypes in order to undermine presidential candidates, no matter who thou might vote for!

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Hey guys - check it out!

“Let Me Borrow That Top” has been nominated in the Comedy category for the ‘07 YouTube Awards!

Please vote. Here’s the link:
http://www.youtube.com/ytawards07

Voting ends today!

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I think too much is being made about Barack Obama’s pastor, Rev. Wright’s controversial comments. Firstly, they were made by Rev. Wright, not Obama, and they are not all that inflammatory, as far as I can tell. When you have religious leaders regularly spreading hatred against homosexuals by falsely representing the Gospel, why then is someone demanding that America answer to its racist policies considered a big deal? I prefer Rev. Wright’s angry words to the homophobia I regularly witness on Sunday morning television. Also, Obama said that he was not aware of all the statements made by Rev. Wright, which I believe. I mean, who really listens in church? I don’t! It’s boring! That is why I don’t go!

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This whole Spitzer scandal is amazing, but what I find the most incredible is how expensive the prostitutes were. Up to $31,000 a day! That rules! Talk about HIGH CLASS HOES!! That is some pricey pussy and I hope it was worth it. Damn! It must be lined with chinchilla and diamonds. (7 to be exact! Ow! Rough edges!) That is a solid platinum cunt. Like something you see in SKYMALL - you are not really paying for just the pussy, you are paying for shipping and insurance. That is really cool! I have much respect for hoes. I wish I had thought to charge. I was usually so fucked up back then, when I was spreading it for the masses, I would just say, “Oh – um. Uh, alright…”

I could have had a credit card machine! I am thinking maybe I should bill people now for it.

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