Kelly’s Spinal Tap Moment
Monday, May 12th, 2008oh kelly!!
Archive for the ‘On The Road’ Category
Follow Your Dreams
Saturday, April 19th, 2008I’m having an amazing time on my Beautiful tour, with killer back to back shows this week in Portland and Phoenix, and I was thinking back on how all this got started.
When I was a kid, my family was one of the first on my block to have a VCR. It had wood on it and stuff! Remember when electronics would be encased in wood?! That was really weird. Like they were trying to disguise it as furniture. It was a huge machine, and would open up its big metal mouth so you could insert a tape. We rented movies at this cheap video store two blocks from my house, and my favorite movie to watch was Richard Pryor’s “Live on the Sunset Strip.” He was so amazingly funny to me, even though I didn’t fully understand all the jokes because they were mostly about sex and drugs and I had yet to experience those things. The other film that completely changed my world was Eddie Murphy’s “Delirous.” As a standup, Eddie Murphy was my ultimate hero. I laughed at that show so much I almost got sick. The “Ice Cream” bit was my favorite. I wanted to be like him. I knew that I was going to be a standup comic. That was going to be my life, and I didn’t care about anything else.
I think that we all have the potential to be anything we want to be, and I am living proof of that. I was just a kid, and yet I was able to make my dreams come true and I continue to do so every day. If you love something, I think you have to just do it. Don’t worry about what people will say. Follow your dreams, because there is a reason why you have them. They are the path to your destiny.
The Real Bitch
Sunday, April 13th, 2008It has been such a not so great day today. I woke up way too early, after having done a great show the night before in Miami. I came down to the hotel lobby only to be verbally assaulted as soon as the elevator doors opened. As soon as I walked out, two men, presumably still drunk and just getting in from the night before got on the elevator, and one of them said, “BITCH!” I wasn’t doing anything but getting off the elevator so they could get on! Then another girl in our party said she had been accosted in the same manner by the same man in the lobby. That is so stupid! You can’t manage to get into a fight properly at the bar, and you stay out so late that it is then morning, so the only people left to fuck with are business travelers!
We then left for the airport for our 7:45 am flight on American, which was then delayed for 7 hours. We could have all stayed in bed and missed the altercations. Instead we all just missed our connecting flights back to Burbank. I’m now still on the plane to Dallas, hoping I don’t get stranded there on the way to LA, which is more than likely, because my connecting flight leaves before we land. All the delays are due to mechanical problems with their planes, which were supposed to be all better by today, but they are not. I am furious because Sunday is my only day off in the week – which isn’t really a day off but a travel day, and so it is extremely precious to me. It is the one day I have to spend with my family, to walk my dogs, to eat a proper meal sitting down. American Airlines has robbed me of my one day of peace. I am not sure what is going on, but air travel has been really different in the last several months. I am a frequent flyer, and have been for close to 20 years, and I have never seen it as bad as it is now. There are more canceled flights, mechanical issues, hours and hours spent on the runway – it has hit a new low, and no one has a worse track record than American. Because we don’t really have choices when it comes to air travel, passengers are stuck with what they get. It is very bad very very very bad. It is the real bitch, not I.
Joining The Band
Monday, April 7th, 2008I am on the road right now, and was just up in one of my favorite cities, Toronto! The best music in the world comes from there, like one of my very favorite bands, The Cliks, and also the band I would most love to be part of: Broken Social Scene. I have daydreams about moving to Toronto and trying to join the band – like just walking backwards with a rain stick onto their stage. Or maybe even a triangle. I can also do a bit of tambourine. That is a really good way to get into somewhere you don’t belong. Just walk in backwards while doing something with your hands. It really works! Plus, Broken Social Scene is one of those bands with so many people in it, I don’t think anyone would notice one more. Anyway, I got to do a cool Canadian talk show, “The Hour,” and the winsome and adorable host George called Kevin Drew right up on the show and we asked his voice mail if I could come on board! Hoping to get a positive response!
Weird Al!
Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
Travel Troubles
Monday, March 3rd, 2008I just got back from Australia, which is really very very far away. Getting back was a lot easier than getting there, for some reason. On the way there, we went from Philadelphia to LA, then from LA to Auckland – which is a long ass flight. No wonder Bjork beat that guy’s ass! I would have opened up a big can of whoop ass on anyone trying to take my picture after that flight. Finally, after a long layover, I flew to Sydney. I somehow missed my ride from the airport so I changed some fairly worthless American dollars into Australian dollars and took a cab to the hotel. There were no rooms available so I had to wait about 5 hours for one to open up. By this time I hadn’t slept for about 72 hours and I was OVER IT! I had been talking to this poor Japanese girl at the desk who had a big “TRAINEE” pin next to her name, and she had tried and tried to get me a room all day, to no avail. I sat in the lobby, smelling exactly like balsamic vinaigrette salad dressing, feeling totally out of it for half a day, just waiting. I couldn’t even read or listen to my ipod or watch anything. All I could do was stare, I was so tired. Finally, at about 3pm, which was official hotel check in time – when they were required by law to have my room ready, I walked up to the desk and asked my TRAINEE, “Do you have my keys?” and a pinched looking British woman said, “Please.” I turned to her and I said, “It’s ok. She’s my old friend. We’ve been at this all day.” And the TRAINEE looked at her and bowed and giggled in that cute Japanese girl way. The woman said, “I don’t care. It’s still ‘Please.’” I was so mad I almost hit her. I have never come so close to actually hitting someone in my life. My hand actually clenched into a fist! I really had to take a deep breath and calm myself down. I did all 12 steps in my head, then asked myself, “What would Jesus do?” my heart was beating super fast and I unclenched my teeth and my fist and I said, “Thank you for reminding me. I am so tired I am forgetting my manners.” Then she said, “I understand. We are all a bit stressed.” Ah… international incident averted!
Fuckwich off the 405
Thursday, February 14th, 2008Like every true Los Angeleno, I am synonymous with my car. I have a mini cooper. It is tiny, efficient, easy on the eyes and easy to park, much like myself. I zoom all over the Southland with my ipod blasting out Broken Social Scene and I feel like a champ. My car goes fast and so do I. It is so fun to be in this little bubble and look around and see all the other people in their little bubbles, driving, singing, talking on the phone, paying attention to the road, not really paying attention, applying makeup, eating, drinking beer, etc.
Of course I am the kind of person who tends to pay attention to the road the most, because I’m watching out for the people not paying attention and applying makeup while drinking beer. I can’t believe people drink beer while driving. I mean, I get why DUI happens in general, because when you’re fucked up, you just want to get home as fast as possible, but doing it WHILE you’re driving seems, I don’t know, rude. It’s rude. I was in NY in a fancy town car coming into the city from the airport once, and the driver was drinking a Miller Light! He had it in the coffee cup holder! I was appalled! I started to yell, “Dude! Have the decency at least to HIDE it from me!!!” Don’t drink beer while you are driving. It’s rude!
Anyway, I was driving my beautiful little mini home from Santa Monica at rush hour yesterday. I am such an east side/Valley girl, because whenever anyone says “West side” or “Venice” to me, part of my soul dies. You know you have to take a deep breath because it is always going to be 2+ hours holding your pee on the 10. Anyway, I was on Sepulveda, next to the 405 at 5:45 pm after sitting in traffic for an hour already, and my little blue bubble just burst. I don’t know what happened, but smoke just started pouring out of the engine. It was like a mini mushroom cloud rose out from under the hood and I couldn’t believe it. I was gridlocked on all sides anyway so I couldn’t move, and the smoke was so bad that no one even honked at me for making the gridlock a fuckwich, because even though LA drivers have no patience, they do have RESPECT for their fallen homies. Finally I was able to inch the car into a gas station, where I waited many hours for my beautiful husband Al, my wonderful gay husband Scott, and the gorgeous tow truck sent by mini cooper roadside assistance. We are nothing without our families yes, but we are TRULY nothing without our cars.
Lady Bunny at The Sensuous Woman
Wednesday, October 31st, 2007
Meet Abigail
Thursday, October 4th, 2007Here’s me and Abigail on Good Day NY. She’s a very nice pug in need of a good home!!!
True Colors in LA
Thursday, July 5th, 2007Me and Lucas:
Thank You Cyndi
Monday, July 2nd, 2007When the record “She’s So Unusual” came out, it utterly changed my life. I was completely head over heels in love with Cyndi Lauper, this tiny, twinkling little songbird, with titian red hair and a crimson corset, wearing more belts than I could count, looking like a fox on fire, with this VOICE that you knew you would always be with you from that moment on. I just wanted to marry that voice. Cyndi was so beautiful I would weep when I watched her on “Friday Night Videos.” It was like she turned the color up on my life, saturating me with blues and reds, corrupting the blackness of my early teenage moods forever. I loved her then and I love her so now. It is funny how you can idolize someone and then you are lucky enough to come to know them and they are your friend and then it feels like you have been friends for the whole of your life.
The Amazing Cyndi Lauper
Wednesday, June 27th, 2007Pics by Diana Yanez:
with Knox Chandler
with Rosie O’Donnell
True Colors Photos 4
Thursday, June 21st, 2007More photos by Diana Yanez…
True Colors Photos 3
Wednesday, June 20th, 2007More photos from the road, by Diana Yanez and Andy Bell!
at The View
at Radio City Music Hall
Amanda Lepore and me
Beth Ditto and me
Amanda Palmer and me
True Colors in Boston
Sunday, June 17th, 2007The Boston and Atlantic City shows were awesome. In Atlantic City we were joined by The Gossip! I love them! They are incredible!!!
And last night in Boston, Rufus Wainwright brought his adorable stars and stripey looking band to the show. I love him!! I love everyone.
Photos of The Gossip, by Diana Yanez:
