Tommy Chong!
Wednesday, August 13th, 2008Tommy Chong!!!! I know its blurry but we were so excited!! I love him so much!!!!
Archive for the ‘On The Road’ Category
Happy SF Pride!
Tuesday, July 1st, 2008San Francisco pride was amazing and I had such a wild, crazy weekend! It all started off by getting sworn it as deputy marriage commissioner at city hall so I could perform weddings on Saturday. Then I did the trans march, at Dolores Park (where Scott Silverman and I used to live) which was in its fifth year and bigger than ever! That night, I got in a big car with hot mama Theresa Sparks and all her daughters, including the gorgeous Violet Blue, Xtina, little baby Claire and a great bevy of beauties like Donna Sachet, Cecilia Chung and Carol Queen and we went to Asia SF, which is an amazing restaurant where they have a runway drag show. We ate fabulous food and I worked the runway with the girls after doing some “blow job shots,” where you suck down a shot of grey goose from between the legs of a lovely dancer. I do not like doing shots! I actually refuse to do them in most circumstances. It is like getting hit in the head with a rock! They should just have a bunch of medium size boulders at the bar to bash you with! I am still not sure about why anyone does it – I just was trying to get my head between some legs – any legs! I guess doing the shot is the price you have to pay. We all then staggered over to Diva’s, which is a haven for transgender performers and their fans, with three floors of bumping goodness that went on into the night. We worked the runway, we worked the stage, we worked the floor, I made out with Xtina. It was great fun for everyone.
Saturday I went back to city hall to perform some wedding ceremonies. That was truly amazing. I have been working toward marriage equality since 2004, and most of the emotions surrounding it have been angry. Angry that we have to fight for this right to begin with, angry at Christian conservatives who view it as a ‘threat,’ angry that politicians were using the issue to manipulate the ignorant to vote out of their own pure and unjustified fear – just angry at the whole thing. But getting to preside over these actual ceremonies – these rites of rights that were so hard won and precious and still could be taken away at any second – it was a profound and beautiful thing. I forgot my anger and all I could feel was joy and deep gratitude. When we are discriminated against in this way, they tell us our love is wrong, and in doing so, they rob us of our humanity. By legally, REALLY, joining these couples in marriage, saying the vows, exchanging rings, pronouncing them spouses for life - I was able to give some of that humanity back, and of course, we all cried through the whole thing.
Late that night I went to a bear bar called the Deco Lounge. I couldn’t pass up a party called “Bearracuda.” I also went because I was starving and if you hang with bears you know you’re gonna eat. You know they are gonna have a bread bowl with spinach artichoke dip or at least a baked brie, bitch. I was kicking back with my little crew of cubs and then these bears came up and offered me coke. What are bears gonna do with coke?! Go and hibernate really fast? Or maybe it keeps you from hibernating! “Oh girl, that bear is coked out. He hasn’t hibernated all winter!”
Sunday was the parade, which went by fast! I got to ride in a car with Grand Marshall Theresa Sparks and her wild child Violet Blue who I have a big crush on, and my makeout and dance partner from Friday, Xtina in the front. I worked the mainstage, hung with my favorite mayor Gavin Newsom, kissed on practically every trannie boy I could find. The parade and festivities felt different this year. There was something in the air. The fact that we can get married now, in California, at least for this moment, makes the stakes higher than they have ever been. We are all high off it. Happy pride to all of us, each and every one.
True Colors in Oklahoma City
Wednesday, June 25th, 2008The True Colors Tour rocked Oklahoma City Monday night and we all had a blast. It was a killer line up with Girl in a Coma, Andy Bell, little old me, JOAN JETT AND THE BLACKHEARTS!!!, the B-52s, and of course beautiful genius Cyndi Lauper. I love this tour and how it is just an amazing rock show with all these great bands and everyone coming together to show their support of gay and lesbian rights and equality for all.
I went on when the sun was still out, so I sweated almost all my makeup off. Joan Jett and the Blackhearts were right after me, so it was a real treat to get to watch them. Joan is incredible and gorgeous and she rocks so hard it shakes my bones! She is truly a rock icon and living legend and one of my favorite people and looks best when she playing hard and has glistening sweat dripping off her rock hard abs! She is so hot that she turns everyone’s head, even the gay boys! One adorable gay boy I was flirting with, who was the personal sweet gay boy groupie of Girl in a Coma, said she was so gorgeous that he had to catch his breath every time she walked by. Everyone is in complete love with her including me but I am first because I have been in line for the longest…I am talking about since The Runaways.
After the B-52s set, their tour manager asked Joan and I to come to their dressing room. He said, “The Bs would like to meet you.” I love that on tour they are called “The Bs.” It is very rock! So Joan and I went to visit and we all took pictures and everyone took a turn being in the middle, and of course I don’t have any to show you but maybe I can bribe one of them to give me one later.
True Colors 08
Monday, June 9th, 2008The True Colors tour made a stop at Radio City Music Hall last week and it was incredible!!! I am not hosting the show this year, but Carson Kressley is doing an awesome job as host, which is great. I think it is the hardest job on the tour, because you have to keep the audience entertained between the set changes and you never know how long anything is going to take. Carson had them all cheering and I especially liked all his fabulous wardrobe changes between each act.
I love True Colors, and I forgot I wasn’t the host this year, because at the end of The Cliks’ rocking opening set, I ran out on stage to make out with Lucas, as is our tradition from last year, and I got yelled at by the stage manager for disrupting the show! I love the lineup this year, which includes many of my absolute favorite artists like The Cliks, The Indigo Girls, Wanda Sykes, Rosie O’Donnell, Tegan and Sara, Regina Spektor, the B-52s (!!!!!!!!!!) and of course the wonderful Cyndi Lauper.
Later in the night, Cyndi asked me to go on right before her so I ended up being in the show anyway. I was totally nervous because I was following the B-52s, who I have loved since I was a kid. They were my idols growing up. I remember lying in bed listening to late night interviews with them on the radio, about how whenever they went on tour, the real show was happening in the audience, with people dressed in all kinds of crazy outfits and the biggest beehive hairdos ever. They said that two women came backstage with plastic crabs and other crustaceans stuck in their beehives. I dreamed that one day I might actually be able to attend a B-52s concert and be able to see the beehives up close. I got to do even better by meeting the whole band and sharing the stage with them. They sound incredible and look beautiful and are a treat treat treat!!!
My “official” appearance in the true colors tour will be in Oklahoma City on June 23rd, but don’t be surprised if I show up unannounced at other dates – most likely Berkeley and possibly Seattle. I have a little time on my hands these days because I am taking a bit of a break from the Beautiful tour and my new TV show, which will start airing August 21st.
Kelly’s Spinal Tap Moment
Monday, May 12th, 2008oh kelly!!
Follow Your Dreams
Saturday, April 19th, 2008I’m having an amazing time on my Beautiful tour, with killer back to back shows this week in Portland and Phoenix, and I was thinking back on how all this got started.
When I was a kid, my family was one of the first on my block to have a VCR. It had wood on it and stuff! Remember when electronics would be encased in wood?! That was really weird. Like they were trying to disguise it as furniture. It was a huge machine, and would open up its big metal mouth so you could insert a tape. We rented movies at this cheap video store two blocks from my house, and my favorite movie to watch was Richard Pryor’s “Live on the Sunset Strip.” He was so amazingly funny to me, even though I didn’t fully understand all the jokes because they were mostly about sex and drugs and I had yet to experience those things. The other film that completely changed my world was Eddie Murphy’s “Delirous.” As a standup, Eddie Murphy was my ultimate hero. I laughed at that show so much I almost got sick. The “Ice Cream” bit was my favorite. I wanted to be like him. I knew that I was going to be a standup comic. That was going to be my life, and I didn’t care about anything else.
I think that we all have the potential to be anything we want to be, and I am living proof of that. I was just a kid, and yet I was able to make my dreams come true and I continue to do so every day. If you love something, I think you have to just do it. Don’t worry about what people will say. Follow your dreams, because there is a reason why you have them. They are the path to your destiny.
The Real Bitch
Sunday, April 13th, 2008It has been such a not so great day today. I woke up way too early, after having done a great show the night before in Miami. I came down to the hotel lobby only to be verbally assaulted as soon as the elevator doors opened. As soon as I walked out, two men, presumably still drunk and just getting in from the night before got on the elevator, and one of them said, “BITCH!” I wasn’t doing anything but getting off the elevator so they could get on! Then another girl in our party said she had been accosted in the same manner by the same man in the lobby. That is so stupid! You can’t manage to get into a fight properly at the bar, and you stay out so late that it is then morning, so the only people left to fuck with are business travelers!
We then left for the airport for our 7:45 am flight on American, which was then delayed for 7 hours. We could have all stayed in bed and missed the altercations. Instead we all just missed our connecting flights back to Burbank. I’m now still on the plane to Dallas, hoping I don’t get stranded there on the way to LA, which is more than likely, because my connecting flight leaves before we land. All the delays are due to mechanical problems with their planes, which were supposed to be all better by today, but they are not. I am furious because Sunday is my only day off in the week – which isn’t really a day off but a travel day, and so it is extremely precious to me. It is the one day I have to spend with my family, to walk my dogs, to eat a proper meal sitting down. American Airlines has robbed me of my one day of peace. I am not sure what is going on, but air travel has been really different in the last several months. I am a frequent flyer, and have been for close to 20 years, and I have never seen it as bad as it is now. There are more canceled flights, mechanical issues, hours and hours spent on the runway – it has hit a new low, and no one has a worse track record than American. Because we don’t really have choices when it comes to air travel, passengers are stuck with what they get. It is very bad very very very bad. It is the real bitch, not I.
Joining The Band
Monday, April 7th, 2008I am on the road right now, and was just up in one of my favorite cities, Toronto! The best music in the world comes from there, like one of my very favorite bands, The Cliks, and also the band I would most love to be part of: Broken Social Scene. I have daydreams about moving to Toronto and trying to join the band – like just walking backwards with a rain stick onto their stage. Or maybe even a triangle. I can also do a bit of tambourine. That is a really good way to get into somewhere you don’t belong. Just walk in backwards while doing something with your hands. It really works! Plus, Broken Social Scene is one of those bands with so many people in it, I don’t think anyone would notice one more. Anyway, I got to do a cool Canadian talk show, “The Hour,” and the winsome and adorable host George called Kevin Drew right up on the show and we asked his voice mail if I could come on board! Hoping to get a positive response!
Weird Al!
Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
Travel Troubles
Monday, March 3rd, 2008I just got back from Australia, which is really very very far away. Getting back was a lot easier than getting there, for some reason. On the way there, we went from Philadelphia to LA, then from LA to Auckland – which is a long ass flight. No wonder Bjork beat that guy’s ass! I would have opened up a big can of whoop ass on anyone trying to take my picture after that flight. Finally, after a long layover, I flew to Sydney. I somehow missed my ride from the airport so I changed some fairly worthless American dollars into Australian dollars and took a cab to the hotel. There were no rooms available so I had to wait about 5 hours for one to open up. By this time I hadn’t slept for about 72 hours and I was OVER IT! I had been talking to this poor Japanese girl at the desk who had a big “TRAINEE” pin next to her name, and she had tried and tried to get me a room all day, to no avail. I sat in the lobby, smelling exactly like balsamic vinaigrette salad dressing, feeling totally out of it for half a day, just waiting. I couldn’t even read or listen to my ipod or watch anything. All I could do was stare, I was so tired. Finally, at about 3pm, which was official hotel check in time – when they were required by law to have my room ready, I walked up to the desk and asked my TRAINEE, “Do you have my keys?” and a pinched looking British woman said, “Please.” I turned to her and I said, “It’s ok. She’s my old friend. We’ve been at this all day.” And the TRAINEE looked at her and bowed and giggled in that cute Japanese girl way. The woman said, “I don’t care. It’s still ‘Please.’” I was so mad I almost hit her. I have never come so close to actually hitting someone in my life. My hand actually clenched into a fist! I really had to take a deep breath and calm myself down. I did all 12 steps in my head, then asked myself, “What would Jesus do?” my heart was beating super fast and I unclenched my teeth and my fist and I said, “Thank you for reminding me. I am so tired I am forgetting my manners.” Then she said, “I understand. We are all a bit stressed.” Ah… international incident averted!
Fuckwich off the 405
Thursday, February 14th, 2008Like every true Los Angeleno, I am synonymous with my car. I have a mini cooper. It is tiny, efficient, easy on the eyes and easy to park, much like myself. I zoom all over the Southland with my ipod blasting out Broken Social Scene and I feel like a champ. My car goes fast and so do I. It is so fun to be in this little bubble and look around and see all the other people in their little bubbles, driving, singing, talking on the phone, paying attention to the road, not really paying attention, applying makeup, eating, drinking beer, etc.
Of course I am the kind of person who tends to pay attention to the road the most, because I’m watching out for the people not paying attention and applying makeup while drinking beer. I can’t believe people drink beer while driving. I mean, I get why DUI happens in general, because when you’re fucked up, you just want to get home as fast as possible, but doing it WHILE you’re driving seems, I don’t know, rude. It’s rude. I was in NY in a fancy town car coming into the city from the airport once, and the driver was drinking a Miller Light! He had it in the coffee cup holder! I was appalled! I started to yell, “Dude! Have the decency at least to HIDE it from me!!!” Don’t drink beer while you are driving. It’s rude!
Anyway, I was driving my beautiful little mini home from Santa Monica at rush hour yesterday. I am such an east side/Valley girl, because whenever anyone says “West side” or “Venice” to me, part of my soul dies. You know you have to take a deep breath because it is always going to be 2+ hours holding your pee on the 10. Anyway, I was on Sepulveda, next to the 405 at 5:45 pm after sitting in traffic for an hour already, and my little blue bubble just burst. I don’t know what happened, but smoke just started pouring out of the engine. It was like a mini mushroom cloud rose out from under the hood and I couldn’t believe it. I was gridlocked on all sides anyway so I couldn’t move, and the smoke was so bad that no one even honked at me for making the gridlock a fuckwich, because even though LA drivers have no patience, they do have RESPECT for their fallen homies. Finally I was able to inch the car into a gas station, where I waited many hours for my beautiful husband Al, my wonderful gay husband Scott, and the gorgeous tow truck sent by mini cooper roadside assistance. We are nothing without our families yes, but we are TRULY nothing without our cars.
Lady Bunny at The Sensuous Woman
Wednesday, October 31st, 2007
Meet Abigail
Thursday, October 4th, 2007Here’s me and Abigail on Good Day NY. She’s a very nice pug in need of a good home!!!
True Colors in LA
Thursday, July 5th, 2007Me and Lucas:
Thank You Cyndi
Monday, July 2nd, 2007When the record “She’s So Unusual” came out, it utterly changed my life. I was completely head over heels in love with Cyndi Lauper, this tiny, twinkling little songbird, with titian red hair and a crimson corset, wearing more belts than I could count, looking like a fox on fire, with this VOICE that you knew you would always be with you from that moment on. I just wanted to marry that voice. Cyndi was so beautiful I would weep when I watched her on “Friday Night Videos.” It was like she turned the color up on my life, saturating me with blues and reds, corrupting the blackness of my early teenage moods forever. I loved her then and I love her so now. It is funny how you can idolize someone and then you are lucky enough to come to know them and they are your friend and then it feels like you have been friends for the whole of your life.