Hey Big Dog – with Patty Griffin, Ben Lee, Fiona Apple

August 3rd, 2010

I didn’t make my first writing session with Patty Griffin. I was on a 6am flight from LA to Austin, and I hadn’t slept at all the night before. One of the reasons I got into show business was so I wouldn’t have to get up early, but what I didn’t realize, is in show business, you have to get up earlier and stay up later more than anyone else ever has to. Whenever I had to get up for a flight I can never sleep the night before, my eyes popping open every hour on the hour to check to see that my nightmare of oversleeping and missing my departure time didn’t come true. It’s the true dark side of rock and roll. I did get up in time – 3:30am – urgh, and I made it to the airport ok, but I had to check my beautiful new chocolate brown Guild with a ‘vintage’ tweed hard body case which stressed me out so much I didn’t need coffee to wake up.



I got onto the flight and waited and waited and waited with all the other passengers to take off. We never did. We rested on the tarmac for awhile, the captain’s communications sounding more and more apologetic until the final apologia of the jet’s return to the terminal and everyone having to deplane due to mechanical failure. This is always followed by the passengers with ‘flexible travel plans’ – one of those people who volunteer to give up their seats for travel vouchers on overbooked flights – saying, “Well, at least it wasn’t while we were in the air!” I disagree. I prefer we just take off and deal with the mechanical issues in flight. I would rather be dead than late. It’s one of the truest things about me, if you knew me.



So the flight wasn’t going to Austin, and we were hundreds of passengers without a plane, and I was so exhausted I called Patty and told her I wasn’t coming. It was too painful, too early and I was too mad. I got my guitar out of the cargo hold as I rescheduled with her on my beloved blackberry. About a month later, there were no delays. I made it to Austin and Patty’s beautiful lime green and bougainvillea home without incident. Her two dogs, Lotte and Bean presided over our session. Bean seemed to love sitting on my guitar case. “She always tries to sit on black things.”



I had not met Patty before this, but I had been a huge fan for many, many years. I had been introduced to her music by the wonderful and sadly missed Kevyn Aucoin. Her music reminded me of him, the bright light of him, the beauty of him always. Patty’s manager said, “She is obsessed with her dogs and country music.” So we wrote a country song about dogs. My dog in particular. My dog Ralph. The greatest.



There is a wonderful album by Ane Brun called “Duets” and in my mind, when I sing along to this record, I am usually Ane and my duet partner is one of my dogs. My dearest wish is that humans and dogs could actually speak to each other and then the one next to that is that we could sing together. As I wrote the lyrics to this song, I sat with my big boy Ralph and imagined what he would say to me if he could speak, what he would sing to me if he could sing. I stared in his root beer eyes, as he cocked his butterscotch blonde eyebrows one then the other and tried to decipher his thoughts. He was a very large dog, intimidating to new people, but as gentle as a giant could be, with an irrational fear of the wind. Every time the Santa Anas would start their engines, Ralph could be found in the very bowels of the house, hiding far away from where the wind could find him. He absolutely hated the sound of the breeze slapping the trees together. He would shake and whine and salivate and refuse to be petted or held. I couldn’t understand it as much as he couldn’t understand why I checked my messages constantly – never hearing from the person I wanted to hear from – feeling destroyed by nothing at all. It was going to be a song about people problems versus dog problems, and the idea that maybe we could solve these problems together “Oooooooo-ooo! Oooooooo-oooo!”



I pulled out the words from out of my guitar case, weighted down by little Bean. I gave the dog warmed, wrinkled notes to Patty and she set them down in front of her. I left the room, returning moments later to Patty singing, “Ooooooo-ooo. Ooooooo-ooo!” and the song “Hey Big Dog” was born. We put on shawls and had dinner outside that night to celebrate. I played the song incessantly to practice, and had a rotating cast of dogs who would sing it with me at shows, sometimes Ian Harvie, sometimes John Roberts and sometimes Ben Lee. I sang the song many times while Ralph was dying. I sat alongside him in his massive dog bed, his big body fighting the eventual, the inevitable. The comforting chords would elicit great sighs accompanied by stinky farts, which would make the whole room smell like a hot springs. Very relaxing.



When he died, the song moved from guitar to banjo, where it could sound truly mournful. I cried as I tried to sing it to myself alone and it didn’t make me feel better but it did make me lose my voice for what felt like a dog’s age. Some time after I had regained my voice, at Largo, Fiona Apple was in the audience. She loved the song instantly, and said to me that she had been thinking of a song like this, one she wanted to write about her dog – and she said – which is the ultimate compliment for any songwriter – “You sang it for me.” I had the perfect duet partner! Fiona’s dog was also irrationally afraid of the wind and we traded dog pictures and many dog stories in anticipation of recording. I love Fiona’s voice on this song, and Ben Lee’s pitch perfect production makes it sound like pure Nashville meets Animal Planet.



I hope that this song will become an anthem to animal lovers all over, and a blessing for them and their beloved pets. We are not alone in this world ever. We have them. The hardest thing for me when Ralph was gone was facing the fact that he was not there anymore, but this song made me realize that this was not true. Now, Ralph is everywhere. Fiona said, “He’s on the wind now. And now, the wind will always bring him back to you.” This is so true.



Pre-Order Cho Dependent here and receive an immediate download of the album!



I’m Sorry – Featuring Andrew Bird

August 2nd, 2010

Many days I have spent on the road, locked in a silent communion with my ipod, and listening, exclusively, for days and days on end, to Andrew Bird. Of course, it’s a toss up to what my favorite album is, but the one that gets the most overall plays is Armchair Apocrypha. When I start it, the opening riff of “Fiery Crash” begins, and the vibration of the Bose headphones on my face makes me feel like I need to start organizing my mind, that the next show is coming at me fast. I am kicking the back of John Roberts’ seat, I am drinking the hottest water that can be spilled and sometimes drunk in the back of a crowded van that wishes it was a tour bus and I am in love with the sweet formality of Andrew Bird’s whistling, the tender application of violin and guitar, the lyrics reminding me more of Keats or Shelley than indie rock, gramaphones spinning in my mind as fast as wheels can turn.



When Andrew agreed to write a song with me for my new album, I put on makeup before calling him on the phone, as if my carefully applied mascara would somehow blunt my nervousness. He was very nice of course, and gave me an email address to send lyrics as soon as they were ready. I truly had no idea what to write, but I decided to try to empty my mind completely and trust that something would come.



Something did.



Some days later, I was thinking about someone I once loved, and how so many years had passed and how this person still made numerous appearances in my dreams. Usually the actors in my dreams retire after short, frenzied careers, presumably to play outlying dinner theatres in my psyche, but this guy had stamina. He was like the Martin Landau of my dreams. Or like the John Travolta of my dreams. He was featured a ton in his heyday, and then continued to have much success later in life, maybe even more so, because irony was involved. Anyway, this man I loved, I realized I still loved, and I had no idea how he was doing. Where he was. What his life was. I wanted to know. I had resisted googling him for years because my feelings for him hadn’t yet faded. I didn’t want to know he was successful and happy and living in a renovated lighthouse with his beautiful wife and many children. I typed his name into the little box, fully expecting to be made instantly, painfully jealous of the charmed life I would never share with him. Instead, his Wikipedia entry came up. His name, a list of his credits and then this, “in 2007, was convicted of the murder of his wife.” Apparently, my dream lover had bludgeoned his wife to death, then stuffed her body in the attic of their house, where she lay for nearly a month, until her body had partially mummified.



So, I had a song. And a murder ballad at that. I wrote the lyrics when I was up late at night, unable to sleep, thinking about that poor woman’s body, dead between the walls like a character in an Edgar Allen Poe story. She was me. She wasn’t me. She could have been me. She couldn’t have been me. He had lost his considerable looks in his mugshot, his face bloated with alcohol and domestic violence. No one is flattered in that orange. He was no longer a dream lover but a nightmare monster. He moved from a place in my heart to hiding under the bed, lurking in the shadows, waiting for me in the closet, so when I pushed the door closed, he would push back. I thought about the details of the murder, how he had lied to her family and told them he had sent her to rehab, so that they would not come looking for her, to buy him some time to figure out what to do with the body. They had just had a son together, he and his murdered wife, and the boy’s incessant crying gave him away in the end. When they caught him, he never expressed sorrow or remorse or even guilt. It somehow still was her fault, because he loved her so, because he couldn’t control her, because money was running out, because because because.



The song is called, “I’m Sorry” because he never said it. He didn’t say it to her because he killed her before he could say it. He didn’t say it to her family because his lawyer probably advised him not to. He didn’t say it to me because I will never go visit him. I don’t think he is sorry. But I am, for loving him. For having the capacity to love someone like that. What is wrong with me?



I sent the lyrics to Andrew and he liked them. He went to his farm and 3 days later I had a demo. It was funny to hear him sing these words, which sounded so different than what I had imagined. His deep and assuring professorial voice made my swirling thoughts concrete and comical, and the last line of the song was the best punchline I had not delivered yet.



This song was the first one to be recorded, and we did it in Nashville at summer’s end. I was recovering from a catastrophic case of laryngitis, where I lost the use of my voice for a very long time. When I talked to Andrew on the phone the day before our session, it was the first time I had made a sound with my throat in nearly two months. My voice sounded odd in my head and I kept commenting on how absolutely strange it was. Andrew said he was honored. We worked on it over two days, with a crack band of Nashville’s and Chicago’s finest. The city was good to us. I bought a combination 6 string guitar and mandolin at Gruen. Andrew made scrambled eggs. We talked a lot about Tim and Eric and Mr. Show. I couldn’t believe how good I sounded. I premiered the song at Zanies, a comedy club only about 50 paces from the recording studio, using backing tracks, because Andrew had already gone back to Chicago. In the audience I could hear someone say “listen to that voice!” I thought I sounded good. I kind of couldn’t believe it.






Pre-Order Cho Dependent here and receive an immediate download of the album!



Drop Dead Diva Soundtrack

May 27th, 2010

The soundtrack for Drop Dead Diva is available for pre-order! It includes a fab cover of “Would I Lie to You” with Brooke Elliot, Kate Levering and me! Also on the soundtrack is my new wave collaboration with Ben Lee, “Restraining Order.” It’s so awesome!



The Drop Dead Diva soundtrack will be available June 1st, but you can pre-order it on iTunes or Amazon.



Another Brick in The Wall

May 27th, 2010

I am disgusted by Roger Waters act of defacing what really should be a national monument – Elliott Smith’s memorial wall on Sunset Blvd. His advertisers, trying to get hipsters to see him tour “The Wall” yet fucking AGAIN have put graffiti all over the beloved Silverlake monument. I am not a Pink Floyd hater. I loved “The Wall” – and when the movie came out, it totally changed my life. I decided that my life would be like the groupie Jenny Wright played – all spandex and denim vest and laminates without a bra. That was me – that is me. I don’t have anything against Roger Waters personally, but this is so shitty!



If you live in LA, are a Largo regular, love indie rock and live east of Robertson, then to you, Elliott Smith is like family. It’s like someone defaced our family crypt. I am so disappointed. I am so sick about it. And all of us, the broken-hearted Elliott Smith fans who still miss him so badly, who won’t see him at Sasquach or Bonnaroo or Largo with Jon Brion ever again, who won’t get to hear a new song or a new album from him ever ever ever again because he is gone gone gone from this world forever and the only thing keeping him alive is our love for him – our grateful, undying, everchanging, ever-evolving – ever strong devotion and love for him – for us – that wall – that wall was all we had. We have the records, we have the songs all on heavy rotation, I have a rare burned-by-Elliott-Smith-himself CD of all the songs off “From a Basement on the Hill,” beautifully raw and yet unmixed and unmastered – it’s my prized possession. And once, we had a monument, where we could go and say hello and goodbye and I love you and I’m sorry.



And now we don’t. Because of corporate greed and total ignorance – this idea that there are ‘hipster’ locations that you can co-opt for yourself. Well you can’t. Fuck Roger Waters. You have become another brick in the wall.



The World I Would Like To Live In

May 25th, 2010

I attended a special event at the White House to celebrate Asian American history month, which I never know when it is. I am guessing it is May because this is May. But to me every month is Asian history month mostly because I am in a constant state of learning about it and myself and how we came to be in this country and how we stay here and constantly reinvent and redefine who we are.



It was a really cool shindig, with lots of people I absolutely adore in the (white) house such as angryasianman (who is super hot and sexy in person btw – sorry to objectify you but you’re adorable), DJ Rekha, Kelly Hu and my old friend Kal Penn who actually works there! I saw him outside with a clipboard, which to me means working because nobody has a clipboard unless they are hard at work.



We were treated to lots of the good white house crème brulee and hot bhangra beats from DJ Rekha and then waited for the President to come and give a speech. I haven’t been to the White House since the Clinton administration, so it was a wonderful feeling to come back after all these years and feel so welcome. Even though the building is the same, the place has changed so much. All the White House staffers are so young! It’s really fantastic to see the younger generation so passionate about politics and devoting all their energy to the Obama administration. It’s rock and roll and very exciting!



Speaking of rock and roll, of course when Obama was giving his speech, I secured a spot right in the front row. I have been to enough rock shows and been a groupie long enough to know that when you want to get backstage, you have to stand in front of the lead singer, not directly facing him but slightly to his left, where the rockstar eye naturally rests. Anyways, during his speech, the president actually winked at me! He came down off the podium and walked over to me and held my hand for several minutes and told me he was a fan of mine and that I am very funny and he enjoyed my comedy immensely. He asked what I was doing and if I was touring and I said I was working for Lifetime and about to go on tour and overall, trying to represent. And he said, “well you are doing a fine job representing us all… a wonderful job! Very very funny!” and then he got pulled away by his multitude of security and staff and fans. It was an incredible moment for me and something I will treasure for the rest of my life. Because to me Obama is much more than the leader of the free world. Yes he is president and he is the most important dude on earth, but his meaning goes far beyond political office. What Obama represents to me is the idea that we have come so far as a nation in terms of race and acceptance and inclusion that we can have a president who is not white. I think that this resounds so deeply with me and all those who have felt at one time or another like ‘the other.’ Obama’s meaning in society today is practically mythological. His presence means we have arrived somewhere different. Somewhere better. This is the world I would like to live in.



Politics are changing, and it’s tremendously exciting. If you live in San Francisco, I urge you to check out Theresa Sparks who is running for office there. She is another person, like Barack Obama, whose meaning and work and presence is almost mythological. Almost legend. Her story is much like that of Harvey Milk, and she is so similar that Stuart Milk has spoken on her behalf many times and also is a major player in her campaign for office in San Francisco. I have had the pleasure of knowing Theresa for many years. I first met her when she invited me to join the board of Good Vibrations, where I served for two years. I got to know her very well through our many board meetings and lots and lots of dinner parties talking late into the night. I was impressed by her on so many levels. Theresa Sparks is a transwoman who has fought homophobia and prejudice and hatred coming from so many different sides, eventually prevailing over so much ignorance to finally becoming President of the police commission. It’s incredible that a transgendered person is capable of surviving in the police force at all but to have the strength and passion and intellect and moxie to actually become the President of the police commission – it’s a downright miracle. I believe in Theresa Sparks and her continuing capacity for miracles. She has worked tirelessly for the LGBT community in San Francisco, focusing primarily on the transgendered community, which is the part of our family that always seems to get left out, and she is a true political icon and heroic figure for me and countless others.



Still, her campaign has been fraught with much ignorance. When seeking endorsement from the ‘liberal’ women’s political groups, Theresa has been told that they only support ‘real women.’ I think this is disgusting. Not only is Theresa Sparks a real woman, she is an inspiration to all women. She is a fighter, a survivor, a whipsmart businesswoman, a mother, the kind of leader my beloved hometown needs. She is someone who will change San Francisco, and in doing so, change the world, something that has to happen and happen right now. I no longer live in the beautiful city by the bay, but I still love it, I still care about what happens there and so I urge you to see what Theresa Sparks is doing. Like Obama, she’s a symbol that the world is changing. And we are all better for it.



Eyelash Problem

May 11th, 2010

I am using this stuff called Latisse, which is the Brooke Shields endorsed serum that is supposed to grow your eyelashes. Me and my eyelashes have always had some problems. I have very short, sparse ones, which don’t curl up and do little else than fold back into my eyelid. They are fairly standard Asian eyelashes. I don’t mind them so much, but it would be nice to have long, lustrous glamorous ones without having extensions. My lashes are also a lot shorter than they used to be because I dumbly let a very inexperienced student put extensions on my lashes at my first Atlanta apartment last year. It was super scary and it took 7 hours and she used like crazy glue and iron shavings like she was drawing a magnetic beard on or something and in about 3 days, all my already short eyelashes broke off into my eyes. Before they broke off they were poking into my eyelid and eyeball and blinding me. Do not let anyone who is not licensed and trained specifically for the job do your eyelash extensions. It was like a coathanger abortion but for my eyes. It really hurt and my eyelashes have never been the same since and it has been a year already. She thought this was ‘funny’ and I was ‘devastated.’



I have been wearing false eyelashes since, which are a pain to put on all the time. I needed a better solution. Latisse was suggested by a makeup artist, and so I went to the ‘medical spa’ to procure it. It’s pricey; 2 small bottles cost $200, but it’s worth it. The shit works. The first time I put it on I could actually feel something happening. It was like I planted a row of eyelash seeds on my lid, and they started growing! Totally amazing. There are warnings all over the package that you are only supposed to use it once a day, and you should only use it on your upper lids. You are also only supposed to use the brushes provided in the packaging, but of course I ignored all that. It was working so well, I started using it several times a day, and also putting it on my lower lashes too. They have nearly doubled in length and density in about a month, and it’s making me up my dosage, using a narrow eyeliner brush to make the bottle last longer. It’s the eyelash equivalent of crushing up your prescription pain medication and snorting it. It looks so good that I don’t even need to wear eyeliner. I just curl my lashes and add some mascara and that is it. I totally feel like Rebecca Gayheart or Lori Laughlin or some babe from Full House or something – like all I need is Noxema to be beautiful.



Anyway, yesterday I noticed weird hairs sprouting out in a row underneath my eye! I am growing another set of eyelashes on the top of my cheekbones!! Its so fucking bizarre! It’s real wolfman style! I am feeling like that TV on the Radio song “Wolf Like Me” and wondering if I need to join Team Jacob because it’s really bad. I would have taken a photo of it but my makeup artist at Drop Dead Diva had to actually shave it off today so I could look ok on camera and not like a wolf girl.



I am not gonna stop using the Latisse, by the way. I am just gonna stick to doing it once a day. Either that or howl at the moon.



The Bear Song is here!

April 7th, 2010

It’s Jill Sobule and me and some beautiful bears!! Pixie Herculon! Its very dirty!



Visit Pixie Herculon for links to buy the song at iTunes and Amazon.





Pixie Herculon



Photo by Pixie Vision Productions