Sometimes I can’t start my day without looking at DailyPuppy.com – a website devoted to pictures of dogs, puppies and grownup puppies. They update it every single day, and I will even log on at midnight just to see the dog changeover.

I love dogs of all kinds, and I when I look at them, I think about where I might kiss them: right on the dog lips, on the top of their soft dog heads, and on their dog chest, where they should be petted a lot because it makes them thrust out their chest and makes them proud – it is a dog psychological thing. I imagine petting them right at the base of their tail, which will make a lot of dogs legs start to kick out of sheer pleasure. I also imagine what kind of corn chip feet smell they will have – is it like Fritos or Doritos? MMM Cool Ranch!

My friend Ryan Landry says his dogs feet don’t have a corn chip smell because they are so clean, and so he keeps an open bag of Fritos by the bed so he can huff them. He has one two three Jack Russell terriers (the middle girl named after me!) and every time he kisses one, he kisses the others too – all equally so there is no jealousy. He grew up in a household with many siblings and he felt the sting of the rivalry, so he makes sure to love them all exactly the same.

Daily Puppy also has bios of the dogs in the pictures, turn ons and turn offs – kind of like Playboy, but it is dogs not people. One day I hope my lovely dogs will be featured on Daily Puppy!

How do you kiss your dogs? I like to kiss my dogs all the time. Every once in a while, they will let me kiss them on the lips, but it is rare. That is fun though because I really love dog lips because they are thin and black and sometimes shiny like they wear lip gloss.

My medium middle girl, Bronwyn, who is very beautiful and has many nicknames, like “briony” – after “Atonement” or just “brown” or “brownie” – after her coloring, which is a light honey, cinnamon brown with white spots like she is dotted with macadamia nuts, usually gets kissed on the cheeks. She has high cheekbones due to her mixed up dog heritage, so she gets kissed on both cheeks, above her whisker line European style. One cheek then the other cheek. She has gotten kissed like this so much she knows to turn her head slightly to receive it.

My big boy, Ralph, whose nickname is “Ralph Rapherton, private eye,” which is not a short nickname, but a fitting one, because he is a lot like a private investigator because he has an office, which is a small dark space under some stairs in my backyard where he can go in and receive visits from mysterious ladies wearing picture hats, usually gets kissed all over the space between his ears, because his fur is very soft there and feels good on the lips.

My littlest, Gudrun, who I have been calling “Gud-rin” because she is a lot like “exce-drin” in that she takes pain away, has a little caramel colored diamond on the top of her head, which is what we call a “kissing diamond.” She gets kissed there.

Although all my dogs have designated kissing areas, I would like to mention they are also kissed ‘freestyle,’ which means they get kissed in a ‘jazz improv’ way all over their entire dog bodies with the exception of the ‘whisker line’ – too sensitive and can bend and damage whiskers – which are very important! They aren’t just cute! They help the dog keep his or her balance.

Where do you kiss your dogs, cats, children, etc?

Wow this is very interesting! People are super passionate about PETA! They really love them or they really hate them! I guess I would say myself, I don’t always agree with all their tactics, but hell, I just love animals. I can’t help it. I love them. All animals. But mostly dogs, because they are the most accessible to me. I am a severe dogizer. Whenever I see a dog, I check her out and try to get with her, at least for a second. I love it when you start petting a dog you don’t know, and you come upon their sweet spot – either on their chest near their dog underarms, or at the base of the tail, and they start thumping their dog foot! It is the most satisfying feeling. I also love the tendency of larger breeds to lean on your leg while you are petting them. They start to push all their dog weight onto you like they could fall asleep on you. I also like to kiss on top of dog heads where the fur is especially soft.

So any organization about helping dogs and other animals, is cool. Whether that is the ASPCA or Best Friends or PETA – I think it is all good because it gives people a choice in what they can do to help animals. Although I love animals, I don’t want to be a vegan. I used to be a vegan – and it makes me have such stinky farts. I almost executed myself in my own gas chamber. Stinky farts. No – stanky farts. Smells so bad that I have to change the ‘i’ to an ‘a’. I mean seriously. It is not ok. As a meat eater, I find that my farts are much more bark than bite. It’s all air and movement and reverb. It is like my ass is blowing you a kiss.