Of course it doesn’t have this function, but I give all things around me a life and a personality and a meaning and an opinion. Period Tracker is a great app because it gives you a place where you can talk to yourself and your phone, really our closest companions, the bff, the spouse, the bottom bitch, the most intimate partner over and above all our electronics (iphone i want to wife you) about what is going on with your body. There are even multiple choice selections on how bloated or cranky you feel, if you can’t put it into words and you just want to tic a box instead.

I love having a place to go, a private digital menstrual hut where I can compare my periods present to periods past, and like marley’s menstrual ghost, i can shake a tampon string and see my periods future. I have been steadily getting them since the age of 13, so my period career began just before my comedy career. I’ve been bleeding and writing jokes for about the same amount of time. I haven’t figured out either yet. They are both a mystery to me. I still mess up jokes and I still have never worked out how to put a pad in correctly for overnight bleeding. Loose fitting grandma panties feel like an option, even though i have spent many mornings lying in a great pool of blood and then trying to somehow extract the blood from the NASA foam mattress wondering what is going to happen when i move and the movers have to move the mattress and see the map of stains that show my progression across the bed over a decade.

They could tell from the stains what kind of underwear i prefer, whether i decided to sleep on my back or on my side, the summer i told my husband i was going to sleep on the left side of the bed instead of the right, the winter I moved back. I don’t know if the movers want to know this, or what they could divine from the stains, if they could tell my fortune from the blood patterns like tea leaves – “you will soon come into a lot of money…… a long lost friend will be visiting you…. someone close to you needs advice…..” but i don’t know if movers are also shamans. I am sure movers encounter bloody mattresses of all degrees of stain and spill, and I am overly self conscious of my own blood, and if I really think about it, I will never move because I love my house to a fanatical degree and so it’s all a moot point.

For about 20 years i have been using a menstrual cup, which is a latex contraption, about the width and breadth of a shot glass and I fold it in half and and stick it up there and it snaps open with a gratifying thunk against my cervix. This is a wonderful invention, yet I never dare to use it on the first couple of days because it fills so quickly that emptying it is akin to bailing out a boat with a bucket.

When my flow is light enough that i can put it in, I feel the kind of freedom that I used to see in womens tampon ads before the scourge of toxic shock syndrome, fine females fit and all in white, playing tennis, serving new green balls like a drawing on the cover of an old school Pee-Chee folder, swimming across olympic pools, wearing the tightest whitest Gloria Vanderbilt jeans with a rich gold embroidered swan on the weird coin pocket inside the regular front pocket. I feel like a woman with rights and money and equality and all good things. I forget about sexism and oppression and the glass ceiling. And then i forget and feel so good that i leave it in there.

Once during the Sensuous Woman tour, I was sharing rooms with a cast member, and I was feeling so free I had left that cup in there for almost a week after my period had ended. I then suddenly remembered and then pulled it out and the blood had hardened and congealed to the bottom of the cup and it smelled incredibly foul and looked like a black creme brulee. I was knocked down by the smell and insisted that my roommate smell the cup and my unfortunate roommate said no! no! no! no! and got into bed and then kept shaking head back and forth silently, no no no – pulling blankets over head and shaking head no no no, and then finally, face appearing, ok. Yes. Said roommate smelled the cup and laughed and laughed and we both laughed and covers went back over roommate head and the smell did not leave our room for the entire run of the show.

The dance this week is hard and fast and I want to do it all the time. I kick out steps in my sleep as the bus rolls on to the next town. I am glad we are out of town because everyone from DWTS is getting sick. We are away from everything and in our own world, which is perfect for me. I am doing the routine in my head, as John Roberts and I lie in bed and watch Jersey Shore (omg this week was incredible with Angelina’s pad! Need to talk to The Situation about that one). I am watching Louis and I dance it over and over on my flip camera. How did we do anything without technology before? I absolutely love my costume. It’s so gorgeous and glamorous. It should win from fabulousness alone.

I am enjoying now the brief silence between the rehearsals and the shows. The interim when you have ordered the pizza and you know it is coming. I am so ready for week 2.

We are working on a new date for the Detroit (previously 10/17) and Ottawa (previously 10/24) shows and will announce them here as soon as we’ve confirmed. In the meantime, refunds are available at the original point of purchase. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact us at cho_team@margaretcho.com

I think dancing now 3-6 hours a day is making me swallow a lot of air – like when I make my dogs fun chew toys with a treat in the middle. They go crazy for them licking and pawing them to make the little bite of food hidden inside come out, and then a few hours later, the entire house smells like a hot springs or a mineral pool – it’s just fart fart fart. I am on my tour bus and the back smells like a giant fart. Like you are living inside a fart. Its so stinky I can’t believe it. it smells totally different from the rest of the bus. The front smells normal, the back – it’s like there was a gas leak. I hope the smell doesn’t reach into the bunks like an evil brown finger, tickling the noses of the innocent and asleep. Sometimes becoming a beautiful dancer is not so pretty.

You have to give them something to go on. I feel so bad for them just waiting in the alley all day. They asked how rehearsal was going and I told them that we didn’t rehearse because Louis and I were fucking the whole time and he had gotten me pregnant yet again! Hoping this will end up in the tabloids. Press has been particularly nasty about my dancing ability. I said I was going to win because I am so hungry that I am actually going to eat all the other contestants and therefore win by default. Cannibalizing the stars!

The Cho Dependent tour, sponsored by Logo, runs through December 12th and is a brand new stand up show, featuring a couple of songs from Margaret’s new album of comedy music, Cho Dependent (available in stores or directly from Margaret with an instant download here).

Complete list of Cho Dependent Tour Dates

(TICKETS HERE):

08/26 Portland, OR – Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall
08/27 Seattle, WA – Paramount Theatre
08/28 Vancouver, BC – Queen Elizabeth Theatre
09/10 Houston, TX – House of Blues
09/11 Dallas, TX – Verizon Theatre
09/12 Austin, TX – Paramount Theater
09/17 Las Vegas, NV – The Pearl @ Palms Casino
09/18 Phoenix, AZ – Dodge Theatre
09/23 Anaheim, CA – Grove of Anaheim
09/24 San Diego, CA – Humphreys Concerts by the Bay
09/25 Saratoga, CA – Mountain Winery
09/26 Napa, CA – Uptown Theatre
10/01 Calgary, AB – Southern Alberta Jubilee
10/02 Edmonton, AB – Winspear Centre
10/09 Denver, CO – Paramount Theatre
10/14 Madison, WI – Overture – Capitol Theatre
10/15 Minneapolis, MN – State Theater
10/16 Chicago, IL – Chicago Theatre
10/17 Detroit, MI – The Fillmore Detroit
10/22 Toronto, ON – Massey Hall
10/23 Montreal, QC – Salle Wilfrid Pelletier
10/24 Ottawa, ON – National Arts Center – Southam Hall
10/27 Scranton, PA – Scranton Cultural Center
10/28 Boston, MA – Wilbur Theatre
10/29 Washington, DC – Warner Theatre
10/30 Atlantic City, NJ – Caesars Atlantic City- Circus Maximus
11/4 Montclair, NJ – The Wellmont Theatre
11/05 New York, NY – Beacon Theatre (NY Comedy Festival)
11/06 Mashantucket, CT – Fox Theatre
11/19 Durham, NC – Carolina Theater
12/02 San Luis Obispo – Alex Madonna Expo Center
12/03 Los Angeles, CA – The Wiltern
12/04 San Francisco, CA – Nob Hill Masonic Center
12/09 Clearwater, FL – Ruth Eckerd Hall
12/10 Orlando, FL – Hard Rock Live
12/11 Miami Beach, FL – Fillmore – Jackie Gleason Theater
12/12 Atlanta, GA – Tabernacle

:

11/19 Durham, NC – The Carolina Theater

Tickets go on sale Saturday, August 14 at 10am local time, but we have a limited number available to Margaret’s fanclub members today at FrontGate Tickets.

If you’re not a member of Margaret’s fanclub (mailing list) join here for the pre-sale password. It’s free!

The New York Comedy Festival, presented by Comedy Central, runs from November 3-7, and in addition to Margaret, features performances by Aziz Ansari, Louis C.K., Nick Swardson, Brian Regan, and many more.

Margaret’s show at the Beacon Theatre on November 5th goes on sale to the public on Monday, August 9th at 10am ET.

Check out Margaret’s Tour Page for a complete list of Cho Dependent Tour cities and ticket info.

The nationwide tour kicks off on on August 26th and runs through December 12th. Below is our current list of cities, and we will be adding more along the way.  Fanclub pre-sales for most of the shows below* begin Wednesday, June 9th at 10am local time and end on Thursday, June 10th at 10pm local – two full days before tickets go on sale to the general public at 10am local on Friday, June 11th!

You can find complete ticket and show information for Cho Dependent on Margaret’s Tour Page. Ticket Links will become active and ready to go at 10am local time on June 9th. The Fan Club password is only available to those on Margaret’s mailing list (sign up here – it’s free!).

Fan Club pre-sale tickets are limited and move very quickly. As a special gift, all fans who purchase tickets during the Fan Club pre-sale will receive an automatic download link at the conclusion of the pre-sale to “No Offense” a comedy song Margaret collaborated on with Susie Suh and Garrison Starr.

*The NYC show is a special engagement and will be having its own pre-sale, TBA*

Cho Dependent Tour Dates:

08/26 Portland, OR – Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall
08/27 Seattle, WA – Paramount Theatre
08/28 Vancouver, BC – Queen Elizabeth Theatre
09/10 Houston, TX – House of Blues
09/11 Dallas, TX – Verizon Theatre
09/12 Austin, TX – Paramount Theater
09/17 Las Vegas, NV - The Pearl @ Palms Casino
09/18 Phoenix, AZ – Dodge Theatre
09/23 Anaheim, CA - Grove of Anaheim
09/24 San Diego, CA - Humphreys Concerts by the Bay
09/25 Saratoga, CA - Mountain Winery
09/26 Napa, CA - Uptown Theatre
10/01 Calgary, AB - Southern Alberta Jubilee
10/02 Edmonton, AB - Winspear Centre
10/09 Denver, CO - Paramount Theatre
10/14 Madison, WI - Overture – Capitol Theatre
10/15 Minneapolis, MN - State Theater
10/16 Chicago, IL - Chicago Theatre
10/17 Detroit, MI - The Fillmore Detroit
10/22 Toronto, ON - Massey Hall
10/23 Montreal, QC - Salle Wilfrid Pelletier
10/24 Ottawa, ON - National Arts Center – Southam Hall
10/28 Boston, MA - Wilbur Theatre
10/29 Washington, DC - Warner Theatre
10/30 Atlantic City, NJ - Caesars Atlantic City- Circus Maximus
11/05 New York, NY - TBA (Separate Pre-Sale TBA)
11/06 Mashantucket, CT – Fox Theatre
12/03 Los Angeles, CA – The Wiltern
12/04 San Francisco, CA – Nob Hill Masonic Center
12/09 Clearwater, FL – Ruth Eckerd Hall
12/10 Orlando, FL – Hard Rock Live
12/11 Miami Beach, FL – Fillmore – Jackie Gleason Theater
12/12 Atlanta, GA – Tabernacle

More cities TBA soon!