I am at “Dancing with the Stars” rehearsal 2 hours early because I live so far from the studio and I don’t have time to go home in between appointments. Its crazy. There’s paparazzi outside – NOT taking my picture!! That is totally fine by me. I have serious cameltoe right now and it’s only the beginning. I predict that of all the contestants I have the biggest cameltoe and will for the duration of the competition.

The other competitors are lovely. The only ones we haven’t met yet are Michael Bolton (!) and The Situation – who I am dying to meet!! It’s all very exciting. I saw the back of his head in his car driving to fittings this morning and I could tell his abs were defined just from that. He is the polar opposite of me in that I have never done an abdominal exercise in my life, so perhaps he will be a good influence. I have had 3 rehearsals so far with my fabulous partner (I have the greatest one!!!) and my whole body hurts. Even the muscles on the tops of my feet hurt. Also my brain hurts from trying to focus on learning the steps. I feel like an old dog with hip dysplasia trying to enter an agility competition with a lot of puppies. I am not familiar with learning any kind of choreography. I am an intuitive dancer, which is good for lots of things, but ballroom is a very strict discipline, as far as I can tell. It’s also hard to remember the steps. I think I would do better on “Dancing with the Stoners”- but that show is not picked up yet.

I think that everyone is really nice and I am psyched to get to dance with them – especially Florence Henderson! She is such an icon and I met her years and years ago doing “Politically Incorrect.” She is a sassy and hot lady!! Jennifer Grey is really cool too. She is so beautiful and sweet and looked amazing in her ballroom outfit at the fitting! I wish I looked as good!

I am fucking so exhausted and I smell really weird and like pee but also sweat, so I feel sorry for everyone who has been coming in contact with me. I shower but the smell is in my car seats and is soaking into my clothing when I am driving. It’s like when you sweat so much that it starts to smell like pee and mildew. I have no previous injuries that I am worried about – what I am fighting is atrophy. I have never really done anything like this – it’s kind of like being on “Survivor” but with sequins and better food. My feet are bleeding through the satin ballroom shoes and my ingrown toenails are coming out and over my toes. I go to sleep at night and I am having nightmares that I am shaking it on the dance floor and a small turd is shaking out of my dress during the Viennese Waltz. That dance is scary. I mean – I can pop my pussy but the Viennese Waltz? It’s gonna be a challenge! That is what its like right now. I will keep everyone updated on the goings on backstage and on the floor.