There’s kind of a gassy farty fear smell in the air, or maybe that is just me. I am in my trailer hoping for internet so I can watch Jennifer Grey’s performance again. She was so stunningly beautiful! She can really move and was a joy to watch. And the nicest person! Serious contender for miss congeniality. She came over to me in the makeup trailer with a text from her friend saying that our dance was brilliant. I love that. She’s been so supportive, which is really wonderful to be around.

The energy here is tense. I am now just in my trailer trying to not panic and think about later. I am not so freaked out about being judged. I have been judged so much my whole life. I have a very tough skin. I had a cortisone injection last month and the nurse had a hard time getting the needle through my hide. I am so calloused from the inside out. I am tough. I just feel bad that Louis’ fate hangs in the balance too. The dancers get paid from week to week – the longer they survive, the more pay they have to count on. That is important to me. He has done such a great job with me, not only traveling to everywhere I am performing on tour and literally living in my lap for the last few weeks, but also teaching me to dance beautifully from the ground up. He also has brought his entire family out here from Amsterdam to watch him on the show. I told his mother last night that I didn’t want her to have come here for no reason!! Everything will be sorted out soon I guess – all I can say is that I tried my hardest and gave my best – and hopefully we are still in the game.

What a crazy thing – this reality show business. It’s tense and it’s devastating but it also makes for terrific watching. It’s all people’s feelings and determination and past wins and losses. It’s athletes and ingénues and political progeny and Florence Henderson and me. I don’t know where I fit but I also don’t know how I don’t fit. I am just trying to be conscious, be aware, be kind, be careful. There’s gifting suites and cheesecake – things that usually make me happy, but its hard to focus, thinking about how bummed out my parents seemed last night with the judges’ scores. This show means everything to my parents. It’s like the biggest thing for them. They don’t want to say anything, because it’s such a big deal. I know they are freaking out but are totally silent because they want me to succeed so badly but they aren’t sure how to help me. I keep trying to tell them that no matter what happens it will be ok but you should see them – it’s so heartbreaking. I think they are worried this will get us deported or something!

The best this morning was my parent’s strategic thinking and breaking down what the show is all about while trying to cheer me up and lift my spirits….

Dad: They have the lady have many baby and she cannot do the dance still she do dance many time – maybe 5 times – many times!

Mom: Maybe if you have some baby they feel sorry for you and they vote

Dad: But they have sometime the people who cannot dance. But different is you – you can dance!

Mom: She can dance because even when she was 4 year old she was dance and not even with other girl – she was prima donna and dance in the middle – just like this (proceeds to do impression of me dancing as 4 year old)

Dad: Yes still she can dance very good much better than other people dancing. As good as donny osmond!

Mom: Yes as good as Donny Osmond! He was very good!

Dad: Also Asian do very good on the show. There is the Ono and that what is Yamaguchi?

Mom: And also lady who is judge that lady. That she is Asian.

Dad: Asian always do very good

Mom: Don’t worry because your fan will not let you go down like that

Dad: No don’t worry because you have so many fan

Mom: Don’t worry!

Dad: Don’t worry!

(but they both look sooooo worried! Hahahaha)

It’s the morning after and I am ready to go back in for the results show of Dancing with the Stars. I am very happy with the way that Louis and I danced last night. I thought we did great and the wings looked amazing. All I heard the judges saying was that I was a good dancer! That was so incredible to me that I didn’t really hear anything else. We did get low scores, which is too bad – but I truly gave it all that I had – so I have no regrets about what we did. It takes quite a lot of skill to move those wings around, and I’ve never worked so hard to learn something. Hopefully votes will keep us on the show!!

The energy at the taping last night was intense. Everyone was on edge and nervous. I didn’t get really nervous until right before, and I broke one of the sticks on my wings and I came screaming out of my trailer waving a broken wing!! It got fixed and I calmed down somewhat but inside I was still freaking out. Then when we started the show – first I fell down the stairs – awesome and somewhat unconsciously planned because before the taping the producers warned us that we could fall down the stairs and I turned to Louis and said “I am gonna fall down those stairs on purpose” and then promptly forgot that I told him, but my body remembered and I fell.

When we started dancing, I was full on crying because it felt great. I was feeling the waltz and it was beautiful and classy and the wings were flying and it all felt right. I want to dance again and again!! I thought everyone was really beautiful and it was cool so see what people have been working so hard on. My favorite was Kyle!! He’s got some killer moves!