Posts Tagged ‘San Francisco’

House

Thursday, August 30th, 2012

There was this one house I lived in, a very large old victorian in San Francisco, near the hospital by Haight street. The building seemed to be some kind of annex to the hospital, perhaps at one time housing staff or patients who were doing somewhat better or maybe even dying, but it was now just a place for people to rent rooms in.



It wasn’t like a hotel or anything though, just a series of rooms, too many to comprehend. I lived there for several months and never went up the stairs. There were people there I had never even met. The house kept going and going.



I had dreadlocks then, and barely washed, mostly because the bathroom terrified me. The shower floor was slick with a green slime that had grown from years of use without being cleaned. The shower water would only nourish the mildew and mold like it was a sprinkler watering the grass underneath my feet. I felt dirtier after showering and so I just never went in there. I made do in my own room and washed my body piecemeal, feet then head then other parts when needed. I could do this because my room had a small sink and mirror.



I also had a television and there was this extremely beautiful but mysterious and thin couple who lived at the front of the house, and who I believe I did the renting from – I don’t even remember their names, but they kind of went together, like “fee” and “fo” or “di” and “doe” would sometimes be sitting on my futon watching shows, which I didn’t mind but I’d also wish that when I came home late at night they’d stay and keep watching with me rather than skittering quickly out of the room like elegant but insecure cats.



I paid $125 a month, usually in cash and the money would disappear into the giant armholes of a green or grey sweater. Once I saw a little girl down in the hallway across from the scary bathroom, and I said hi, and she didn’t say anything and I just went in my room. It was weird because later I found out there were no children who lived there or visited.



I think about that house and I have driven by it and I wonder who or what is in there now. I left the television behind when I moved because I was determined to be on it rather than watch it and I guess that is what happened.



I wonder about that couple.



I wonder if that was a little girl I saw.



Omg the lights just went out here. Seriously.



Margaret Cho on Finding Your Roots

Friday, May 4th, 2012

Margaret Cho’s episode of Finding Your Roots airs this coming Sunday, May 6, from 8-9 pm ET on PBS (check local listings). You can see a clip of Margaret talking about living in the Castro in the 70s HERE.



‘I’m so in love with Skip! Please watch this!!’ – Margaret



UPDATE: Watch the full episode



Watch Martha Stewart, Margaret Cho, and Sanjay Gupta on PBS. See more from Finding Your Roots.









Crime

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2012

I have never been arrested, and that is really kind of a miracle, truly remarkable considering the amounts of bad I have done. Nothing in the way of harming anyone, as I have harmed myself most in my wrongdoing, but lets just say there are library books still checked out from the 70s, VHS tapes unkindly unrewound – my weakness is borrowing and my downfall is returning. Don’t lend me anything but maybe your ears and your eyes for but a moment. I am not a returner and if you come over for a potluck dinner and you leave your favorite glass casserole dish or heirloom Tupperware behind just make your peace with it because you will never see that shit again.



I am not going to outright steal, but if you unwisely allow something to fall into my possession then it’s your fault. Just know that and keep track of your stuff around me. The worst was when I borrowed a load of books from a friend and then never returned them, and then the friend asked for them back, which I should have done right away, but I put it off and put it off and put it off and then my friend died. It was sudden and it was unexpected and it was fucked up but I look at those books now and I cringe at my selfishness and stupidity and what is so dumb also is that I never read them.



Still this didn’t cure me of the disease of not returning what is not mine. My grabby hands and empty heart join forces to covet then take your shit. I do it from people all the time, but when I was little I did it from stores.



I was in a baby shoplifting gang that terrorized the old outdoor shopping center that Stonestown used to be before a roof was put on it and it was converted into what we now know as a mall. The leader of the gang had the notion that she could steal a sweater and return it using an old receipt of vaguely the same amount as the sweater was worth and then just take the money. Now I know this is a bad idea for a million different reasons, but back then it seemed BRILLIANT. I was the littlest one so I was sent to the adjacent jewelry counter to run a bit of interference and create a distraction.



The saleswoman looked tired and harried and watched the other girl behind me steal the sweater with bored eyes as she pulled out velvet tray after tray of gold bracelets for me from the glass display case. She laid them out on the counter and was staring at the girl stealing the sweater so hard that she didn’t notice me pull a handful of gold bracelets off the tray and slip them into my sleeve. I straightened my arm and caught the bracelets in my hand and then quietly tucked them into the front chest pocket of my denim jacket.



I walked around the jewelry counters more as my dumb friend with the now stolen sweater and the fake receipt tried to return it. There was some commotion and there was no money exchanged and the third girl in this children’s organized crime syndicate signaled us all to leave the store quickly.



We got outside and for a moment we were free and it was ok and we were laughing and scared and relieved and this was extremely short lived as we were immediately stopped by two women (my age now) who looked much like the famous comedy duo French and Saunders. They flashed their badges and asked us to come back in the store. We were taken into the inner sanctum of the store, behind the mirrored walls and employee lounges and I was separated from the other two because I seemed younger and weaker and easier to break.



They questioned me and I said I didn’t know anything and I didn’t do anything and that I barely knew those girls and that they weren’t in my grade and I just wanted to hang around with them and I didn’t know what they were up to and I think that is when my acting skills kicked in because the women looked at each other and one nodded to the other and they opened the door to let me go, and the gold bracelets in the front pocket of my jeans jacket felt heavy and hot but they still went undetected by the detectives, and I got away with it – a fairly decent haul. I was a real live jewelry thief, and I couldn’t have been more than 10.



The other two girls got sent down to the police station and their parents had to pick them up and they were in TROUBLE like all caps TROUBLE and yet they had nothing to show for it. I had these gleaming gold bracelets that could never be worn because my parents would want to know where they came from as we had no money for those kinds of things. I don’t know where those bracelets are now, but I would wear them if I did. Perhaps someone borrowed them.



Trucks

Tuesday, May 1st, 2012

I learned to drive in a beater of a car, an old Buick Le Sabre, massive and almost impossible to park on the curb starved streets of San Francisco. because of that thing I can parallel park with the precision of a jeweler laying a flawless diamond into a six prong setting with one stroke of my talented hand. I can back into any space with less than an inch of breathing room on the front and back end on a steep incline in the rain at night without streetlights. I am like a parallel parking jedi and adjacent parkers may curse me and leave their angry rubber bumper comments on mine but they are just jealous. Don’t you wish your girlfriend could park like me?



I didn’t appreciate that car when I had it but I reap a lifetime of defensive driving skills from my tenure with that awkward monster so I look back on it fondly. I was told time and time again, just don’t hit anything, and I didn’t. The huge car got me and a variety of other comics to gigs in and out of the city and it was a tremendous boost for my then fledgling comedy career. I drove mostly at night and surrounded by the heavy chrome and steel and glass embrace of the gas guzzler I felt safe even though I may not have been always.



Once after a late night at the Holy City Zoo, I returned alone to my parents home in the sunset district. I had been nervous with the car all night. It had been smoking and stalling unpredictably. I didn’t know enough about driving to know what I had done and hadn’t done. It was a relief to finally park and turn the wheels at an angle for the last time that day.



I walked the block or so to the house and I was stopped as I turned in to go up the stairs by a man yelling from his tow truck. It was cold and I didn’t have a jacket and I was anxious to go inside but the man insisted that I come closer. “You hit her….” he said it several times. “You need to come with me. You hit a woman’s car back there. Didn’t you feel it? You gotta come with me.”



He was a large and fearsome man, his flesh pressing up against the driver’s side window like an octopus lying its soft body against the glass of an aquarium, still and covert, like he could change color to match the interior of his truck if he needed to hide himself from predators. He insisted that I get into the tow truck, with lights on the roof making it seem like he was law enforcement, like he was for real.  I believed the lights and I almost got into the truck, fearing that I had actually hit someone, my inexperience and insecurity outweighing my common sense. I was relentlessly replaying the drive home in my mind, searching my memory for bumps and thumps but there were none.



I got closer to the man and he kept saying I needed to come with him, and that I had hit someone and as I turned to get in the tow truck I saw his eyes shift in untruth. Just a flicker in my peripheral vision was enough to know something bad was happening and I ran like lightning up the stairs and he did not call after me but drove away quickly, screeching his tires because he knew he was big and easy to catch.



Zines

Wednesday, April 18th, 2012

Are you old enough of a person to remember reading zines? I once wrote a song about them, but I can’t find the demo now. I will have to rewrite it, if it’s worth it. I think so. Zines were tiny self published magazines, sometimes very small and like a bunch of Xeroxed pages with a staple in the middle to make a book, sometimes glossy and with pictures laid out like a real magazine, although these were rarer. The pages with the staples were more common, and came out fairly regular, with blurry type that sometimes disappeared into the crease, and so you would have to finish sentences on your own.



There were really some fantastic zine writers. One was the guy who did a small paged zine called Pathetic Life, amazing and sad and wholly addictive. He was great with words and I wonder if he has a blog now. I hope so. He ate a lot of ramen noodles and was in love with another writer who was also a dancer and they had a painful relationship. He had issues with depression which were similar to mine and I think that when you read about other people’s suffering and they have wound words around their wounds like a bandage that it can be healing, both to the writer and the reader. It’s like going to a word hospital.



There was another about stalking Henry Thomas, and I read that one and then would see Henry around town at shows and ask him if he knew about it and he did and was amused and excited. I felt like a roving reporter for that zine because I would report back to the author of it and she would publish my findings in the following issues. I can’t remember if we corresponded through the mail or actually spoke on the phone. I think we did a bit of both. Isn’t that weird? Communication through snail mail. We all managed it. Years and years of letters and postcards and notes – slowly, poetically, people talked to each other that way. They read each other’s writing and wrote back.



My friends Pleasant and Iris put out a zine which completely spoke to me – Puppet Terror, all about fear of ventriloquist dummies and dolls and all kinds of puppets. They had a tshirt and everything. This was a real magazine, a sophisticated publication, with glossy pages and photos of all the different terrible manifestations of puppets and dolls and things you could animate yourself but also had the potential of self animation that was so goddamned scary.



Blogs now replace the zines, but I can’t say I have found the same connection to them as I did with the zines. Perhaps it’s the way that I would have to order the zines from Factsheet Five, or actually go buy them at Tower Records or Amok – and so there was a waiting period, maybe like the several days you must wait after you purchase a handgun until you can actually fire it. I wonder if that firearm waiting period is a crime deterrent. I think it would make you want to shoot more, the time passing causing your desire to build, just like waiting for the zines made them infinitely more readable.



I never made a zine myself, never even considered it. The 90s were for me a haze of drugs and anorexia, my rust colored corduroy jeans never hanging loose enough for me on my frame. I read a lot because there was nothing to look at online, it didn’t exist for me at all yet. There were stacks of zines all over my hillside house, which slid across each other during earthquakes and even when the winds would blow harder in Spring and Fall.



pathetic life



SOA

Friday, January 20th, 2012

I absolutely love the “Sons of Anarchy”! I received the first three seasons on DVD for my birthday and so I swallow 3-4 episodes at a time as I cannot stop once I start. It’s thrilling and my lower back aches from all the backstabbing and I am fascinated by the tight plot twists and boot-cut drama. It lives in the magical universe of “The Shield”, another one of my all time favorite television shows, and since I never got to be on The Shield, I hope one day to get to do the Sons of Anarchy. Maybe I could even ride!



The Sons of Anarchy reminds me of the northern California gangs of my youth, but they didn’t have impressive custom bikes, they just rode the trains, although a few among them had shiny, roaringly loud El Caminos and Mustangs. These belonged to the older boys, men really, and the muscle cars usually didn’t last long as they were quickly impounded or sold to pay for bail bonds and lawyers as the owners were carted off to jail and then inevitably to prison.



They called themselves the WPODs, and the primitive rock-painting-like graffiti of these letters on walls all over the city would later be covered over with the sophisticated, swirling spray can murals taggers eventually learned to create, discovering that they too had a right to art. I didn’t know then that the letters came from a song by the tubes, and they stood for white punks on dope, and this was mostly true, although they weren’t technically punk, as they didn’t have Mohawks or piercings made with safety pins and they never went to see bands at the Mabuhay Gardens, San Francisco’s premier punk venue. They preferred laser light shows at the planetarium and the classic rock of Zeppelin and Pink Floyd and of course Black Sabbath.



They were always white, and mostly of irish descent, but not recent immigrants, as they didn’t regularly frequent the real irish bars of the Sunset and Richmond districts filled with authentic brogues and bitter beer and held no opinion or allegiance to Protestants or Catholics or Sinn Fein or the IRA or anything and they were too young to be in those establishments anyway. The dope of their moniker and choice was usually crank or what is now known as crystal meth, but then it was a heavily stepped-on early edition of the drug, so cut up with baby laxatives that everyone would fart up a storm at the mere appearance of a cloudy, stingy bag.



The Sunset District where I grew up was made up of these 4th and 5th generation Irish and 1st generation Chinese /Korean /Vietnamese /Japanese /Filipino families. It was a faintly depressing and conservative neighborhood that was defensively lower middle class. The streets were mean but they were clean. The trains were on time but filled with hard looking kids, who weren’t bad really, just high, and bored, which was me, and is still me sometimes.



The WPODs were like sentinels or soldiers, as they had a uniform, and you would see them strutting around, keeping watch, proud as roosters, in their derby jackets – deep blacks and blues and sometimes steely grey and even an odd khaki brown in there for the wild card crazy one who liked to set off fireworks and could make pipe bombs with the collection of pyrotechnics squirreled away under his bed.



There was a distinctive double seam going across the back of the jacket, shoulder to shoulder, which I took to represent the horizon that marked the farthest border of the Sunset District, the painfully cold and windy Ocean Beach, whose dangerous undertow made going swimming absolutely suicidal. You needed to get your affairs in order and write a note to your loved ones before taking a dip in there. Everyone I knew who went in that water died. That is not an exaggeration.



To go with the jacket there were loosely slung Ben Davis slacks, the wide leg giving way to steel toe boots, laced hard and tight up the shaft, holding their skinny boy calves in a confining leather hook and eye embrace. They walked with confidence and dirty hair that framed beautiful but haunted cold weather faces, and in their glittering blue and green eyes I could tell they were still little boys who got scared and cried when they were alone.



We weren’t supposed to hang around with them but it happened. The WPODs were encouraged to stay with their ‘own kind’, but they never did, being unable to resist the gorgeous asian girls growing up next to them, with our shiny black hair and plump lush Dr Pepper Bonne Bell mouths. They’d wait outside your house smoking Marlboros and trying not to act or look like they were waiting outside your house, dreaming of a whiff of your Love’s Baby Soft or Jean Nate After Bath Splash. Their hopelessly ardent crushes betrayed their hoodlum exteriors.



I was well liked for my humor and resemblance to the 26 year old woman whose purse had been stolen on the N Judah, and at 12 I could convincingly buy kegs of beer with that swiped ID and my ageless poker face and grown woman body. The WPODs would leave odd trails of saliva on my Izod shirts as they didn’t know how to kiss but tried to seem like they knew everything about sex and so they’d suck on odd areas around my shoulders and chest like lampreys sticking to the side of a fishtank.



I got older and these boys got into worse and worse trouble and without warning became men who couldn’t do anything else but be in trouble. I left my neighborhood for comedy and showbusiness and better and brighter things and sometimes I would hear of the incarceration of one and the death of another and I’d think about the clean hopeful Ivory soap smell of their necks and how the derby jackets they wore held the cigarette smoke inside them so they always smelled like they were smoking even if they were not. Whenever anyone lights a Marlboro red around me I remember so much and so hard and so quickly and so vividly I feel like crying.



From www.fxnetworks.com - Sons of Anarchy

From www.fxnetworks.com - Sons of Anarchy

Crab Season

Thursday, January 19th, 2012

Before reality television, I was aware of Dungeness crab season. The catches then didn’t seem so deadly (although I am sure they were – they just didn’t have cameras to document it) unless you accidently caught your finger in a set of snapping claws, but this thankfully never happened. When it would get really cold and foggy in San Francisco, my mother and I would go to the piers.



Back in the 70s, people went to Fisherman’s Wharf to actually get fish, crab in particular. We would go down to the slippery outdoor markets and my mother would buy a solid dozen writhingly alive deep blue Dungeness crabs, angry to be out of the water and cutting up the air with their scissor claws. They didn’t band them like lobster claws so if you got close enough you could get cut, but the danger of the Dungeness was part of the magic of them. I must have been about 7 or 8 years old but I felt ancient and alive and adult as I helped my mother pick out which crustaceans were going to die for my dinner.



I selected the ones with the fringiest legs, the featherlike hair that grew in whispery lines along the articulated limbs of the crab. To my young mind, this would indicate virility and strength, bigger meat from bigger muscles. My dad told me to get the ones that looked the maddest. I searched their stalk eyes for anger. They all seemed equally pissed off to me. I love the way that crabs look prehistoric and futuristically robotic at the same time. They are armored and they are packing and they need this because they are so sumptuous and delectable inside. The violent world that requires the hard shell and the weapon hands serves forth a delicious meal. Most things from the killing fields of the sea, the brutal ocean floor, taste really fucking good.



The live crabs would be paid for and then plunged into a rusty metal garbage can filled with boiling seawater for mere seconds. When they emerged from the cans, their color had changed to a deep orange red and they were wrapped steaming hot into white paper parcels. I would hold the parcels close to me and feel the warmth from the steam escaping from the crabs insides. I wondered if they were still somehow alive in there, as I let the fishy steam scent my small body in the car on the way home.



The kitchen table would be covered with Korean newspapers and my father laid out several hard rounds of sourdough bread with a refrigerator cold butter stick. The bread and the butter was almost as integral to the meal as the crab itself. You couldn’t have one without the other. The sourness of the bread and the mellow fat of the butter was the perfect compliment to the sweet nut taste of the crab. There was white wine too but I wasn’t interested in that. I am still not. I don’t like white wine, and my dislike is incongruous to my ladylike persona, I know.



There were instruments of extraction lined up next to the bread, surgery style. Nutcrackers stolen from the big bowl of walnuts that lived on the low table in front of the tv, kitchen scissors, a small fork with 3 tines instead of 4, fondue forks finding new life in the fish game, a chopstick here and there just for pushing out – now I forget what else, but I really think but there might have been tweezers in there. I don’t know if this is true, but I wouldn’t put it past my family. We didn’t have a lot of anything, so it was all about getting the most out of what we did have.



My parents would leave the legs and claws to me and I would pick out perfect pieces of crab meat, absolutely intact. This is just one of my strange and obtuse talents, shelling shellfish without flaws. I am so good at this, with my meticulous steady hand and coulda-been-born-swiss-precision – I have supreme concentration and I am in it to win it like I am cracking a safe. I should have a stethoscope, but I wouldn’t need it. I am that good. I showed this off once fairly recently at a fancy seafood bistro in Montreal where the pricey shellfish and champagne came on a tower of ice and polished silver. The other diners around me were breathless as I slipped the shell off of a stone crab claw with the ease of a showgirl stripping off an opera glove. I laid it in the middle of the table like a housecat setting down an offering. The meat was so shiny and red and the act was so impressive no one wanted to eat it so I had to.



My parents didn’t stop at the claws. They would break open the big hard crab body shells, opening the backs underneath the legs like they were changing the crab’s batteries. Brown green crab roe would spurt rudely from the cracks and my parents would suddenly turn primitive and start slurping the roe from out of the shells and I would get scared and stop eating. I still have nightmares about this. My parents then, really just young people, much younger than I am now, cracking crabs with superhuman immigrant strength to suck up the fishy gritty guts of the thing. Sometimes they would cut their mouths on the sharp shards of crab shell, the crustaceans small revenge, and the blood would mix with the roe and they would leave miniature red brown smiles of the mixture on their wineglasses. This is probably why I don’t like white wine, and I never developed a taste for that part of the crab. I leave that to the strong.